Today, Dec. 18, may be the mother of all celebrity birth dates. Among the stars celebrating today are Keith Richards (who turns 64), Steven Spielberg (61), Ray Liotta (52), Brad Pitt (44), Rachel Griffiths (39), DMX (37), Katie Holmes (29), and Christina Aguilera (27). So imagine the birthday blowout if all these boys and girls got together to share their cake time. We suppose the event would go something like this:
DMX: What’s! My! Name!?
Holmes: D! M! X!
Liotta: So they let you out of the compound? All by yourself?
Holmes: It’s not like that. Brad told me we couldn’t bring any guests.
Aguilera: Yeah, why is that, Brad?
Pitt: Privacy. The first rule of Birthday Club is you don’t talk about Birthday Club. Besides, don’t get me wrong, I love Angie and the kids, but sometimes it’s nice to get away from the family, right?
Holmes: Yeah, it’s nice sometimes to get away from my little one. Suri, too.
Griffiths: And to get away from my co-stars. I mean, I like Sally, I really like her. But if she upstages me one more time…c’mon, man, the show’s called Brothers & Sisters, not Mom & Brothers & Sisters.
Meanwhile, Spielberg stares heavenward, with a rapt look of wonder on his face.
Liotta: What’s he looking at?
Richards: Dunno, mate, but I do that a lot meself these days. Falling coconuts, y’know.
Liotta: (Laughs.) Ah, Keith, you’re really funny.
Richards: What do you mean I’m funny? Do I amuse you?
Liotta: Let’s not do this.
Richards: Hey, Christina, loved that duet you did with Tony Bennett. How old is he now, 81?
Aguilera: Yes, and that’s very sweet of you, thanks.
Richards: How’d you like to duet with me? Come sit on my lap and we’ll sing “Happy Birthday.”
Aguilera: Ask me again when you’re 81.
Griffiths: So, what are you looking at, Mr. Spielberg?
Spielberg: Oh, you don’t need to be so formal with me. I’m just a regular guy who likes to wear baseball caps. So you may call me Mr. Steven Spielberg.
Griffiths: Uh, okay, so what are you looking at, Mr. Steven Spielberg?
Spielberg: It’s your birthday presents — here they come now! Folks, for our shared birthday, I’ve cloned for each of you your very own T. Rex.
Holmes: Aren’t those dangerous?
Spielberg: Nah, I’ve had them tamed.
Liotta: How’d you do that?
Spielberg: I just make ’em watch E.T. over and over. Not even a T. Rex can get through it without turning into a blubbering mess.
DMX: Wow, I’m gonna ride mine home!
Aguilera: Yeah, you do that, X. I don’t think anyone wants to get behind the wheel with you.
Pitt: Awesome, thanks, Mr. Steven Spielberg! And thank you all for coming. See you all again next year, when we’ll have an even bigger bash to celebrate our milestones — Katie’s turning 30, Rachel’s turning 40, I’m turning 45, and Keith’s turning 65.
Richards: I’ll be sure to bring my dinosaur.
DMX: How will we know which one’s you?
Richards: Heh, cheeky bugger. I’ll be the one they don’t have to clone in another 65 million years, ‘cos I’ll still be here!