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Notes on a scandal(ous) 'Victoria's Secret Fashion Show'

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Vsfashionshow_l–The Dancing With the Stars mirror ball trophy ate Seal.

–Models with accents sound smarter, even if what they’re saying is fundamentally stupid.

–The models who don’t blow a kiss or at least make a “Yo, camera” head jerk at the end of the runway are disappointing. Can I get some meaningful eye contact up in here?

–Similarly, when a model comes out and she doesn’t have a 200-lb blossom/snowflake/wings contraption uncomfortably sticking out of her back? Kind of a letdown.

–Jeremy Piven can’t believe how hot these women are. Nor can I, but unlike Jeremy Piven, I get to eat mac and cheese while thinking that.

–I love Heidi Klum, but she can’t really sing! ”Amazing”-ly, she sounded better with Seal here than on her Victoria’s Secret commercial, where I assumed there was the option of multiple takes…

–When I get to hell, I bet the cast of The Hills will be gaping blankly from the front row there, too.

–Were the Spice Girls under the impression anyone believed they were actually singing? They couldn’t even shout “Thank you!” at the end of their pre-recorded song because THEIR MICS WEREN’T ON! Worth it, anyway, to hear Scary emit belly laughs for no reason every time they were shown.

–Maybe I should get in shape.

–Nah, I should just buy better undies.