I wanted to be Marie Osmond when I was little (or, rather, I wanted to be an only-child version of Marie, so that I could sing duets with Donny and also marry him and share purple socks. Something kinky like that.) Many Dancing With The Stars watchers don’t get how the mediocre moves of America’s Corniest Sweetheart kept her afloat in the competition week after week, but I don’t think speed-dialing Osmondphiles are the only explanation. I find new-millennium Marie irresistible for one simple reason: she seems like she might just be bonkers.
Look no further than the horror show—I mean, baby-doll routine—she freestyled in Monday’s DWTS finals (click here if you haven’t seen it), and her hyper reaction (defensive, much?) when the judges panned it. At Marie’s most high-strung, she chortles and snortles and blurts out her thoughts, and you can just about hear another screw go loose. Then she pulls herself together and makes you wonder: Is this nearly-off-her-rocker persona calculated to stand out in today’s noisy reality TV landscape, or is she frazzled due to a personal life in shambles? The loyal little girl in me believes the latter, but regardless, she’s got our attention now, and she’ll probably be tenacious about letting it go. Since Donny & Marie went off the air, she’s been an actress, country crooner, queen of a lucrative home-shopping doll empire, and talk show cohost. She’s even tried her hand at radio (in this 2004 clip of Marie and Friends, she cracks herself up telling listeners about the time she peed her pants on a date. Not during the date. On the guy.)
So what do you think should be Marie’s next move? I’d never want her to do something completely nuts like go off her meds or lead sing-a-longs at Mitt Romney rallies, but what about this: Would ABC fire up a new season of The Bachelorette for her? Now, that would be crazy good!