1 Jennifer Lopez finally confirms she’s pregnant!
There’s a new Fertile Myrtle on the block! Or rather, from the block! Or… man, do I not care about this.
2 Harry Potter is the most reread book in Britain
The most reread book in America? DVD liner notes for the Harry Potter films.
3 Pizza Hut encourages Reese Witherspoons’s son’s dream of being a pizza delivery boy
I’m trying not to stereotype here, but pizzas delivered by 4-year-olds take forever.
4 Dilbert creator’s restaurant struggles
The offerings are stale, but it’ll probably go on for another 10 years anyway.
5 Ellen DeGeneres slammed for crossing picket line
It’s got nothing to do with the writers’ strike: Ellen is being picketed by angry, jilted dogs.
6 Britney Spears claims she was sleeping when the courts called for drug tests
In her defense, they called her really, really early in the week. I mean, who calls that early in the week?
7 Elisabeth Hasselbeck names son Taylor Thomas
It reflects her immense appreciation for mid-to-late-period Home Improvement.
8 Radiohead to release formerly free album on CD
So the strategy is: Give it away for free, then sell it later on obsolete technology. By this logic — and with a little luck — Colin Farrell will release those ”home movies” on Beta very soon.
9 Paris Hilton speaks out against binge-drinking elephants in India
”Seriously, look at those beer guts! And would it kill them to exfoliate?”
10 Annie Lennox flips off crowd at UNICEF charity concert
It’s no 50 Cent and Kanye, but I suppose Annie Lennox versus UNICEF will have to get us through this beef drought.