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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

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”Dear Lord: Please give me the strength to be nice to somebody who I hate so much I wish you would strike her down with a lightning bolt and fry her into one of those little Mexican cinnamon sticks.”
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), PRAYING TO BE KIND TO CATALINA (NADINE VELAZQUEZ), ON MY NAME IS EARL

”You are my heroine. And by heroine I mean lady hero. I don’t want to inject you and listen to jazz.”
LIZ LEMON (TINA FEY), MEETING HER TV-WRITER IDOL (CARRIE FISHER), ON 30 ROCK

”I believe that global warming is happening because Al Gore’s movie made money. The market has spoken.”
STEPHEN COLBERT ON THE COLBERT REPORT

”The accountants have a team. The Debitz, with a z. Totally intimidates the actuaries.”
HENRY (CHRIS GORHAM), TELLING BETTY (AMERICA FERRERA) ABOUT HIS WORK BOWLING TEAM, ON UGLY BETTY

”The news is on! It’s gonna be a new episode!”
BRIAN (BRIAN POSEHN), TRYING TO PRETEND HE CARES ABOUT POLITICS, ON THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

”All the gay men in the world, and we get the two without good taste.”
BREE (MARCIA CROSS), AFTER NEW NEIGHBORS BOB (TUC WATKINS) AND LEE (KEVIN RAHM), INSTALL A GIANT FOUNTAIN IN THEIR FRONT YARD, ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”Today Rodney King asked Mother Nature if we could all just get along.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, COMMENTING ON THE CALIFORNIA FIRES, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

Sound Bites Poll

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