The news of Professor Albus Dumbledore’s newly revealed homosexuality got me thinking.
MARC: Hey, brain.
BRAIN: Yo quiero Cherry Coke Zero.
MARC: Yeah, I know. But you were telling me before about which other fictional characters you want to be gay.
BRAIN: Ah, that. Yes, I had five ideas. Four, really, and one that we all already know is gay but just haven’t really admitted to ourselves.
MARC: Please, continue while I walk us to the fridge for that refreshing beverage you asked for.
BRAIN: Obi-Wan Kenobi. Totally gay. It’s all there in the text: palled around for years with a young apprentice, broke up when said apprentice got evil, never made a move on the apprentice’s hot secret wife/beard, was eventually forced to take him down. Just like Dumbledore…sort of.
MARC: Who else?
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BRAIN: Wonder Woman. Comes from an island populated entirely by women. The Greeks had an island like that. They called it, ahem, Lesbos. (History has no place in this conversation. Just go with me.)Super-tough, thinks that bondage leads to truth.
MARC: Doesn’t it?
BRAIN: Rosco P. Coltrane.
BRAIN: Dukes of Hazzard. Crazy sherrif dude. Always chasing after them Duke boys. Always.
MARC: Now you’re just reaching.
BRAIN: Silent Bob. From Clerks uno y dos. Spends all day, every day, with his “hetero life-partner” Jay. Recently on the cover of A Bear’s Life magazine. Which is not about wildlife.
MARC: But that was Kevin Smith, promoting a gay-themed documentary, not the character saying he was gay.
BRAIN: Quicker with that soda, Lion-O. And, finally, the one we already knew was gay, Ernie.
MARC: From Sesame Street?
BRAIN: From Sesame Street.
MARC: Yeah, I’ll give you that one.