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'The Bachelor': Meltdown commencing in 5, 4, 3, 2…

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Bachelor_l_2I’m looking at my notes from this week’s episode of The Bachelor, and one of my very first comments is, “Hillary ready to boil bunny.” I mean, seriously, the look on her face when Brad arrived and took Jenni away in a helicopter was eerily similar to Glenn Close’s when she confronted Anne Archer with a giant knife in the climactic bathroom scene in Fatal Attraction. I just hope five or six years from now that Crazycakes doesn’t get the urge to pick Brad’s daughter up from school and take her for an afternoon of fun at the amusement park, a scenario that doesn’t seem all that far-fetched after catching the previews for next week’s episode when — dramatic pause — Hillary leaves the show in a tornado of tears and sequins and groaning! Way to render everything else on this week’s show totally uninteresting, ABC!

Or maybe I’m just referring to Brad and Jenni’s rooftop date, which was so sweet and dull that I’m not going to waste another sentence discussing it. You know the producers felt the same way, too, since they kept cutting away to the action back at the house, where DeAnna and McCracken instigated a fight with Jade & Co. “It would be really boring if we didn’t. You guys would just sit around and stare at each other,” growled McCracken, who comes off as robotic and disengaged when she’s stirring up trouble. DeAnna, on the other hand, is a straight-up beast, and yet somehow, I can’t help but admire her lack of pretense. Who the heck wants to sit around watching infantile Stephy or bland Kristy braiding their hair? At least DeAnna knows it’s her job to keep her wine glass close, and her enemies close enough to catch all her catty comments. Also, I think she actually digs Brad!

The other woman who impressedme this week (sort of) was Bettina, who might as well have peeled backher skin to reveal green scales, given the shock and bewilderment shecaused when she chastised the other women for their readiness to wedBrad after only a few weeks of group dating. “Do you guys understandwhat marriage is?” she asked. “It’s really foolish to think that youcan just know somebody for such a short amount of time and expect tocreate this life together.” Then, of course, she went and ruined it allby using a party hat as a megaphone and screaming “Brad, I love you”during the improv-comedy date. Which is not to say she deserved theultimate low-blow about her divorce from hateful Hillary, who chuckledthat, “She’s like a used car. He has to kick the tires every once in awhile and see if she still works.” Riddle me this: How is it thatHillary can claim moral superiority after getting down on her hands andknees, then panting and begging like a dog to score a rose from Brad? 

Theonly thing more jarring during this week’s episode were all the soundbites from the bachelorettes that sounded vaguely dirty when taken outof context. There was Jade, hissing that “DeDe doesn’t deserve my happyending,” as the cameras cut to DeAnna and Brad making out in a hot tub.There was Stephy, fighting back tears and telling the cameras,”Hopefully some day, someone’s gonna think it’s worth their while tochip at my wall.” (Say wha?) And best of all, there was DeAnna tellingBrad, “You’re gonna do what your heart tells you to do. And hopefullythat’s me.” (Cut to aforementioned hot tub scene!)

Anyhow, as weprepare for next week’s Hillary horror show, here’s a few questions toponder: Why must the women scream like they’ve just caught sight of AlRoker doing the weather every time Brad enters a room? Do you think thewomen are contractually obligated to wear bikinis underneath all theiroutfits, just in case the producers decide some flesh-flashing is inorder? Who else gets distracted by the hot-pink walls and white metalsconces every time Chris Harrison enters the rose-ceremony room? Andfinally, who the heck is this Sheena person that’s in the final six?Anyone?