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'The Bachelor': Lap dances + sobbing + twin swapping = true love?

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Bachelor_l

Bachelor_lAt this point on this season of The Bachelor, I can honestly say I don’t care which contestant “wins.” And it’s not just because bizarre, bodacious Solisa got the boot last night. That was inevitable, after she worked Brad’s lap like a stripper pole during a group date on a luxurious yacht. Which is a shame, really. I’d have loved to get one more episode’s worth of her crazy, contradictory soundbites, but instead, we’ll have to make do with recounting this week’s greatest hit: “I think I have a really strong connection with Brad, and we have so much in common, so I kind of like, went over and, like, started, like, shaking my butt really fast, ’cause it’s the only thing I know how to do.” Really, like, the only thing better was, like, Bettina gawking at Solisa’s gyrations, and noting, “I know who I’m gonna hire for his bachelor party.” Oh, snap! I’m still not certain how much Brad enjoyed the performance, though, as I could not put my self-respect on hold long enough to slow-mo the close-up shot of his crotch that the producers cut to during the notorious pas de ewww. (That said, I’m not above asking the rest of you to report your findings in the comments section below.)

Anyhoo, on the subject of painfully awkward moments, how about Hillary’s one-on-one date with Brad? Yeah, her near-constant flow of tears was disconcerting, but not so much as the craziness that was busting out of her eyes. Granted, the woman’s self-respect went out the window when her date box arrived complete with a tight, black, sequined dress — I wonder if it included a tag that said, “Hello, living doll! Let me dress you up pretty!” — but how in the world was she completely overcome by a borrowed necklace and a nice dinner on the town? By the time they arrived at the Ghiradelli chocolate factory, you could see the plea written across Brad’s face: “Have some dessert. Please stop crying.” While there was no way the dude was going to send her home in such emotionally unstable condition, there’s also no way she’ll be making it to the “fantasy suite” stage of the competition.

How sweet, though, that the final three ladies will already have metone of Brad’s family members when they travel to his hometown. Or, thenagain, maybe not. That entire cocktail party where Brad’s married, (not100% identical) twin brother Chad posed as The Bachelor was equal partslame and nauseating. First of all, how come we didn’t see any footageof Solisa, Jenni, or perma-scowler Jade interacting with Chad? And yetthe conversations with Lindsey, Sarah, and McCarten got replayed in thedeliberation room? I’m betting front-runner Jenni couldn’t tell thedifference, and the producers figured it was better to leave thedamning footage on the cutting room floor. As for Solisa’s interaction,maybe it was all a little too hot for television, especially givenBrad’s instructions to his unsuspecting brother: “If a girl pulls youinto a room or something, just go along with it for me, if you can.” (Ikid, I kid!) At least daddy’s girl Stephy had some fun with the clearphysical differences between the twins: “Either Brad’s wearingdentures, or I’m really drunk.”

On a closing note, aconfession: I had absolutely no recollection of seeing Sheena onprevious episodes this season. (Her observation that it’s “easy to getlost in the crowd” was certainly self-aware!) And also, a fewquestions: How come the producers of this show seem to be under theimpression that a woman revealing she’s been divorced is comparable toher admitting there’s a felony murder conviction on her record? Didanyone else totally dig DeAnna’s honesty when she called out the otherwomen for pretending they wanted Hillary to get a rose? And who elsewants The Bachelor to take a page from Ringling Bros. nextseason and shoot the eliminated bachelorettes out of cannons andstraight back to anonymity?