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Jim Gaffigan bids good riddance to summer

Jim Gaffigan’s ”Pale Force” Internet spoofs with Conan O’Brien may have clued you in to the fact that he hates the hot season. Here, the ghost-white comedian offers a few funny reasons why

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Michael Tammaro / Retna Ltd.

Sunday marks the end of summer, which is great news for proudly pale comedian Jim Gaffigan. Sun is his kryptonite, as well as his alter-ego’s: cartoon Jim, who, along with scrawny sidekick Conan O’Brien, fights crime with pasty skin in the hilarious Internet superhero shorts Pale Force (to see his favorite episode, check out the video below). On the eve of his season premiere (which debuts on Late Night With Conan O’Brien Monday night, and also at nbc.com/paleforce), the translucent comic tells us why he’s thrilled to see the season change.

NO MORE SUNSCREEN
For pale people like myself, putting on sunscreen is no simple task. It’s a chore. Once, when my wife and I were on vacation, she said she was going to the beach, and I told her I would meet her down there after I put on sunscreen. I actually got down to the beach a year later. True story. During the summer, pale people also have to make sure they get everything covered in that greasy goo. I always miss a place and have a pink smudge tattoo for a week. Or just my ears are sunburned. Very attractive.

NO MORE LEGS
The shorts get put away. Believe me, you don’t want to see my legs. Hell, I don’t want to see my legs. When I wear shorts, people look at me like, ”Hey, I’m trying to eat here and you’ve got those sausage legs.” Fair enough. But, frankly, I don’t want to see your legs either. First of all, most legs are just as bad as mine. And the ladies with the really nice legs? Excuse me, I’m trying to concentrate on being a good husband and you are taunting me as you casually walk by on your cell phone filling my head with impure thoughts. How dare you, Madam!

NO MORE OUTDOORS
During the summer, there is way too much pressure to do things outside. ”It’s sunny. We should do something outside!” Hey, I’ve been outside. It’s not that great. Outdoor activities always tend to interrupt my napping and watching of Law & Order marathons.

NO MORE CROCS
Somewhere along the way this summer, adult men decided they would look good in those shoes obviously designed for toddlers or Martha Stewart. They were wrong, and, unfortunately, it will take a change of season to get the dorks out of these garish eyesores. Maybe when it’s a little chillier we won’t have to be subjected to the 40-year-old guy in purple Crocs. Unfortunately, we are now entering the ”Men in Clogs” part of the year, immediately followed by the even more upsetting ”Men in Uggs” season. Ugg! I don’t care if ”they’re comfy,” you look like you robbed a teenage girl.

NOTHING GETS DONE DURING THE SUMMER
I don’t care what business you are in, everyone seems to view summer as a three-month vacation. The prevailing attitude seems to be, ”Well, it’s summer so I’m not gonna do any work.” In the entertainment business it’s even worse. All summer I seem to hear, ”I’m going on vacation and then my boss is going on vacation, so I’ll give you an answer in November.”

MORE BACON
Now that summer is over I can finally enjoy eating tons of bacon. Sure, I always eat a lot of bacon, but during the fall it seems to tastes better. Let’s be honest, bacon is more enjoyable to eat in a sweatshirt than in a bikini. Maybe that’s just me. Boy, do I love me some bacon.