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Dalton reveals his wife's new TV crush

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Dalton reveals his wife’s new TV crush

Good news, Glutton readers! You may recall a while back I wrote about my wife’s annoying obsession with Hugh Grant. Anytime some stupid romantic comedy of his came on, I would look over and catch her giggling like a little schoolgirl. I don’t know if it was his accent, mussed hair, or lovable-rogue personality, but it was obvious she was smitten, even though she denied it (and continues to deny it). Well, the good news is…the Hugh Grant era (or error, as it were) is now officially over! He’s done. History. No longer will I be dragged to crappy movies like Music and Lyrics. And for that, I am happy.

But if you thought that Hugh Grant had been shown the exit door due to my wife realizing she has the perfect man already at her side, you would be wrong. So wrong. No, you see, Christina has found a new crush on which to unleash her inner giddy, and frankly, I’m embarrassed to even reveal who it is. Although really, I shouldn’t be, because chances are you’ve never heard of him. Hell, even as I type this up, I don’t even have a clue as to what the dude’s actual name is. Wait…let me look it up. Okay, it’s Scott M. Foster. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone? Well, Scott M. Foster (the M. is for Michael) stars in the ABC Family dramedy Greek, playing a character named — and I’m not making this up, here — Cappie.

Now, look, I am not necessarily opposed to my significant other having a harmless TV crush, even if she gives me the third degree any time I even mention a moderately attractive actress’ name. (Don’t believe me? Read what happened when we tried to watch Age of Love together.) But there are a few things troubling me about this latest object of her affection:

1. He’s, like, 12. Okay, that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but he’s playing a college student. Now, I will not make the fatal flaw of revealing my wife’s age, but let’s just say that neither of us are exactly in college. Going all googly-eyed over a college boy could be construed as a bit creepy. That’s not to say that some of the college girl characters here aren’t easy on the eyes — I’m just too smart to say which ones.

2. This Cappie clown is nothing new. His character is another one of those charming, witty slackers that we’ve seen in movies and TV shows a million times before. Unfortunately, my wife has not watched any of these movies or shows before, so to her, this pale imitation is the most original thing ever. I tried my best to discredit the character, explaining that Cappie was merely a rip-off of Jeremy Piven in PCU, which was in turn a rip-off of Chevy Chase in Caddyshack (the funniest movie ever, incidentally), which was in turn a rip-off of Tim Matheson in Animal House, but this plan backfired when she told me that (a) She didn’t care, and that (b) It was pathetic that I was wasting energy debunking a character on an ABC Family show for teens.

3. I brought this on myself. Had I not brought home a DVD of the pilot episode home for us to watch together, I could have avoided this mess in the first place. I should have learned from my Friday Night Lights experience, where I got her into the show only to discover that she melted like butter whenever bad boy Tim Riggins stumbled drunkenly onto the screen.

Truth be told, I find Greek mildly amusing. Perhaps I’m just intimidated by Cappie and his hipster haircut and the way he so effortlessly majors in the political science of partying down. Maybe I long for my inner Cappie, which drowned in a sea of mortgage payments and disposable diapers years ago. Who knows? But I do know this: There is a silver lining. As of last week, Greek is over! At least the first season is. So unless she insists on watching reruns (and Lord, I hope she is not that desperate), we’ll at least have a few months of Cappie-free bliss in the house before the show returns for season 2.

NEXT PAGE: Dalton’s Obsession with The Simpsons Testify CD

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK
Whether The Simpsons is as consistently side-splitting as it used to be (FYI, it’s not), the comedy — now in it’s 3,472nd season — is still capable of short bursts of genius. And many of them are collected on the show’s latest musical collection, The Simpsons Testify. Listening to the CD reminds you what made you fall in love with the show in the first place: the random cameos (David Byrne to Weird Al Yankovic), pop-culture parodies (”Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl”), and knowing, self-deprecating humor (”They’ll Never Stop the Simpsons”). My personal favorite is ”Ode to Branson,” which pays tribute to all the washed-up celebrities of yesteryear (Charo, Mr. T, the ”you can call me Ray” guy) who keep on keepin’ on by performing menopause matinees in Missouri. (Any song that name-checks Adrian Zmed is good by me.) So even if the show is no longer appointment viewing in your house, this CD (which contains songs from the show’s past nine seasons) definitely warrants another trip to Springfield.

THE FIVE
You’re just a click away from this week’s video — my top 5 moments from Sunday’s Emmys.

READER MAIL
So, as always, I was completely out of sync with Emmy voters. Only 3 of my 11 preferred winners actually took home trophies. But one reader is still pissed off about my missive on Emmy snubs. Tommy Shi, take it away!

By now your love for The Wire is quite clear, but despite what you insist on saying about it being overlooked time and time again, the show is far from perfect. As someone who’s watched the show the past couple of seasons, I’ll be the first one to say that you’re without a doubt blind to its obvious faults, not the least of which being its inability to separate ”scripted drama” from ”real life,” which for most of us (and probably Emmy voters as well) is a very annoying aspect of the show that often times becomes ”too real” for its own good and doesn’t even feel like a piece of entertainment, of television. Furthermore, in your quest to ”correct the injustice” by giving focus to what are obviously YOUR favorite shows, you had the nerve to discredit Kiefer Sutherland’s continuing and amazing work as one of the greatest fictional characters in television history. It’s no secret that last season 24 was not at its overall best, but guess what? Even at its worst, the show still surpasses almost every else that’s on TV. Most fans understand that; you obviously don’t. ”Shockingly sucky season of 24” translates to ”still f***ing better than 90% of everything else that’s on the tube.” I was still reading after your umpteenth time of praising The Wire, but after that disgusting comment about Kiefer Sutherland, I pretty much lost interest in anything else you had to say. —Tommy Shi

So, what are you saying, Tommy — that we should honor Kiefer for what even you admit was not a great season? I don’t get it. I, like you, am a 24 fan, but this was a bad, bad season. One of my pet peeves is when the Emmys just let a show (or actor) coast on reputation. Hopefully, 24 will be back better than ever, but last season was lame. As for The Wire, obviously a lot of people share the same opinion as you, seeing as how basically nobody watches it. Me? I dig it. And seeing as how I was doing a column about shows I dig, I put it in there. That was kinda the purpose of the whole thing. Anyway, we’ll have to agree to disagree on that one.

NEXT PAGE: More Reader Mail…

READER MAIL (cont.)
Thanks for writing up Damages. Perfect summer crime show, if you ask me, and Danson really is great. The ”She spat on me” scene from last week should be his Emmy clip. As for the new video version of The Five…you are hilarious and adorable, but it makes reading your column tougher to do at work. I can’t pretend to be very busy and important if my boss hears you coming from my speakers… —Lora Honeycutt

Agreed, Lora…I am hilarious and adorable! Just kidding. (Kinda.) What I do agree with is that the ”she spat on me” moment from Damages alone should get Ted Danson an Emmy nomination. Not that it will, because the Emmys make no sense (Spader over Gandolfini?), but it should. And as for hearing me over computer speakers, imagine how embarrassing it is for me when my coworkers walk by and hear me listening to…myself! It makes me look like some kind of egomaniac. Maybe we should do some sort of subtitle option. Or sign language!

Damn you, Dalton! I love your column, but I had until now had avoided all spoilers for the last half of The Sopranos. I thought that I’d actually make it until the DVD came out, but you had to sneak Chris’ death in! I am very sad. (about his death). —Bridget Peters

Wow, Bridget. Sorry about that, but how the hell did you steer clear of that 411 for that long? You know, this brings up an interesting point for us entertainment writers. At what point in the age of DVRs and DVDs is it acceptable to bring up sensitive plot information? On one hand, you don’t want to ruin big surprises for people. On the other, you can’t really properly discuss and debate a show without bringing up these things after they happen. What’s the proper grace period for keeping quiet on plot points? I invite your e-mail suggestions at the end of the column.

Dalton, I’m surprised that you overlooked Bill Cosby’s performance as Ol’ Scratch in The Devil and Max Devlin. Sure, it’s a Disney film, but at the end of the movie, you see the Big D in all of his sinister glory. We’re talking horns and hooves here, and an attitude probably closer to the real-life Cos than we’d really like to know for sure! —Jakeem Reynolds

That’s a good one, Jakeem. I always wondered if it was the Devil that made Cosby wear all those ugly-ass sweaters back in the ’80s.

Hey, Dalton. Here’s your number 1 fan in Brazil. Gotta go with Christine on the whole ”The Five as a video” debacle. Can’t get it. It doesn’t upload. What’s this fixation everybody is developing on Internet video? Gotta hate the YouTube for that collateral effect. (As usual, though, the rest of your column is amazing.) —Marcel Nadale

Brazil! The Glutton has gone international, and I’m not talking Canada-type international, I’m talking transcontinental, baby! (Who knows? Maybe I am turning into an egomaniac.) Marcel, I know nothing about technology so can’t tell you how to get the video Five working, but I can assure that if you can get it to work that Glutton video producer Jason Averett makes me come off about a million times better than I deserve to. [Editor’s Note: A handy tip for those of you having trouble seeing video on EW.com — make sure you have Flash version 8.0 or higher installed on your computer.]

So, what is the time limit on revealing spoilers? What were your favorite (intentional or otherwise) Emmy moments? And where do you stand on Cappie: lovable rebel or annoying jackass? Make your voice heard! Send your questions, comments, and quibbles to theglutton@ew.com, or just fill out the handy-dandy form below. See ya next week!

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