September 17, 2007 at 04:02 AM EDT

8:00 p.m. Slow clap: L-Yeah! L-Yeah! Oh wait, sorry, gonna try to be neutral here for at least five minutes. Em-my! Em-my! Em-my!

8:01 p.m. Seeing that this Family Guy medley isn’t actually live, you think they could’ve come up with funnier stuff than a Charlie Sheen pedophilia joke and a bit about the age of the Desperate Housewives ladies. That said, rhyming Zach Braff with “doesn’t have to make you laugh” made me chuckle. A little.

8:02 p.m. Oh Fox, so classy with that closeup of T.R. Knight during the Isaiah Washington Joke.

8:05 p.m. Uh-oh. Ryan’s trying to be funny. And the audience is trying to be nice and pretending to laugh. But seriously, my dream of a shtick-free Emmys — where every acting nominee gets a 30-second pre-awards highlight clip is about six minutes away from flatlining.

8:07 p.m. Tell me I did not just hear a Hayden Panettiere age-of-consent joke in the first 10 minutes of the telecast.

8:10 p.m. Maybe Ray Romano said something funny during that technical glitch where they cut to the ceiling? ‘Cause I’m not really laughing at any of this mess.

8:11 p.m. Okay, that bit about Romano’s sexual encounters ending thesame way as The Sopranos’ final episode…that was kinda priceless.

8:13 p.m. I liked Jeremy Piven better when he was on Cupid. And I’m not just saying that because he beat Rainn Wilson.

8:16 p.m. Holy shite! Terry O’Quinn won! And y’know what? Dude deserves it just for the pink shirt and sparkly tie. But also because his Locke is so fearlessly weird and scary and multi-dimensional. Okay, he’s not as scary as Michael Emerson’s Ben. But he can win next year!

8:20 p.m. Tyre, did you just gesture at me when you said ‘Plumpers’? (In the comments section…this is not an inside joke, P-Dubs!)

8:22 p.m. Re. Seacrest’s Paula Abdul joke…the tally is now: Mean, 1; Funny, 0.

8:24 p.m. Tina Fey and Julia Louis-Dreyfus — brills together. Let’s hope this podium moment results in a 30 Rock guest spot.

8:25 p.m. Jaime Pressly? She’s good, yes? But over L. Yeah? And Jenna Fischer? Would anyone object if I just went to bed?

8:26 p.m. Okay, Jaime’s tears were genuine, and actually quite sweet. And she was succinct up there. But still: Over L. Yeah? And Jenna Fischer?

8:27 p.m. “It’s High-gull.” Who’d have guessed the Knocked Up chick would ad-lib the night’s funniest line?

8:30 p.m. True confessions moment: I used the end of Haden Church’s acceptance speech to take a pee break. But in my defense, I really had to go.

8:33 p.m. Okay, I decided to keep blogging. But I’ve also started drinking. (Yes, it’s Riesling…as per usual.) (And it’s just one glass.) (That was for my editor.)

8:35 p.m. I love Ellen DeGeneres giving a hilariously benign intro to a highlight reel of hilariously acidic political jokes from late-night hosts.

8:37 p.m. Even those of you who hate her have to admit Eva Longoria looks ridonk-beautiful in that glittery gold number. Thank you for not wearing a safe solid, Gaby!

8:39 p.m. Going all Grey’s Anatomy on you guys for a sec: Seriously? Katherine Heigl? Seriously? I mean, maybe last season, but her Izzie this year was (seriously) the most annoying character on television. And I know that’s the writers’ fault. And I know that in real life Heigl’s fabulously tart and outspoken. But this award was like giving a statuette to the chick who painted your siding and passing over Frida Kahlo, Mary Cassatt, and Georgia O’Keeffe in the process. Seriously!

8:43 p.m. And the award for Best Intro Medley to the Emmy for Best Variety, Music or Comedy Program goes to The Daily Show, for that hilarious Alberto “I don’t recall” Gonzalez bit. Why doesn’t Emmy pay that crew like a bazillion bucks to write the show next year?

8:50 p.m. Well, well, well, Ryan Seacrest. A funny joke about the show being powered by the Kid Nation cast on treadmills. And it’s Funny, 1; Mean 1!

8:51 p.m. Tony Bennett and Xtina: The perfect antidote to the nameless dread I’ve been feeling all week about those inexplicable, ugly “Britney’s gonna perform on tonight’s show” rumors.

8:54 p.m. Don’t you hate when they kill all the suspense by, say, having Tony Bennett perform just seconds before they give his concert special the award for Best Directing in a Variety, Music or Comedy Program? Sorry, I actually bored myself before I finished that sentence, too.

8:58 p.m. So Robert Duvall says the Western belongs uniquely to the people of this country. And then follows by thanking the good folks of…Calgary? Alrighty then!

8:59 p.m. And there goes Seacrest making another sex joke about a teenage actress. Almost as unacceptable as giving a shout-out to the official Emmy bloggers and not mentioning PopWatch. Oh Seacrest, the gloves are off, and it is on!

9:06 p.m. Props to Fox for not showing only black audience members after The Queen’s intro to tonight’s Roots tribute.

9:09 p.m. I’m sure the “five Chinese girls” are thrilled with Robert Duvall officially referring to them as “magic” without giving any of their names. Perhaps dood can give ’em all letters of recommendation when they go out for that Harajuku Girls casting call.

9:10 p.m. Showing Ryan Seacrest (and heterosexual men in general) haven’t cornered the market on icky sex jokes about teenage actresses, here’s Neil Patrick Harris making Hayden Panettiere squirm on national television. I’m so proud to be a gay right now, I tell you.

9:15 p.m. So I’ll bet $50 The Sopranos winning best writing and directing trophies foreshadows a win for the Best Drama Series prize later tonight. Anyone want in on the action?

9:18 p.m. Seacrest may be as funny as an ingrown toenail, but gosh darnit, this show is moving pretty swiftly. Let’s hope they don’t muck things up with a half-dozen ghastly tributes in the next 90 minutes.

9:21 p.m. “For what, biggest rack on the show?” No, Jenna Fischer, biggest laugh of the Emmy telecast. Here’s a thought: Maybe Fischer ought to host when Emmy takes my suggestion and hires The Daily Show staff to write?

9:23 p.m. No wait! Jenna Fischer AND L. Yeah! Best Emmys ever, P-Dubs!

9:26 p.m. I need to add that Wanda Sykes special to my Netflix list. (Sorry, yeah, my attention always drifts during the miniseries, movie, variety special portion of the telecast. Don’t act like yours doesn’t, too.)

9:29 p.m. What did you guys have for dinner? For an appetizer, I had a lovely melon, cucumber and squash salad with a yogurt-lime dressing (Everyday Food strikes again!), but I’ve been too busy blogging to eat my main course.

9:32 p.m. This dude saying this business about “proud to be associated with so many people who have used that power to help those in need” is the TV equivalent of waking up with a pool of drool on my pillow. But at least by comparison that musical tribute to The Sopranos won’t seem so bad.

9:36 p.m. Glenn Close is so good, she makes me want to pump my first even when she’s reciting scripted pap applauding shows built around “strong central characters who just happen to be women.”

9:40 p.m. PopWatch Essay Question: Which would be more effective (and more essential) to TV lovers: A) A highlight reel of best Sopranos scenes; or B) watching Adriana crawling to her untimely death while four Broadway dudes sing a Frankie Valli medley?

9:45 p.m. My colleague Gary Susman just IM’d me, noting people had said this Sopranos musical tribute was going to be “moving.” Insert your own “moving…my bowels” joke here.

9:48 p.m. All together, in your deepest, most dramatic voices: “BONES!”

9:50 p.m. Helen Mirren deserves to win every award for which she’s nominated, if only or being such a foxy, entertaining presence at the podium. “I’m going to keep talking till that very dramatic music comes in. I love that!” And I love her!

9:53 p.m. Lewis Black makes Seacrest look like Jerry Seinfeld.

10:04 p.m. I’d comment on the Masi Oka product placement moment, but I don’t pimp like that.

10:06 p.m. Patricia Arquette — lookin’ good in the audience tonight! And can I just ask, how come Medium never even gets talked about as a potential Best Drama Series nominee?

10:07 p.m. Is it a coincidence that Al Gore just used the word “medium” (and turned beet red) pimping for from the podium.

10:09 p.m. I’d make a snappy-yet-disgusted retort to Brad Garrett’s “buy milk” joke about costar Joely Fisher’s décolletage, but I need to dash to the medicine cabinet for some Pepto. Seriously, he’s just nauseating.

10:14 p.m. And with her, “I’m not fakin’ this, I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” Elaine Stritch joins Katherine Heigl and Jenna Fischer on the list of nominees for the evening’s most delightful on-screen bon mots.

10:19 p.m. Let’s hope those two snippets of genius 30 Rock dialogue are enough to double the show’s audience for its second-season premiere. Not like it would be that difficult to do.

10:25 p.m. Ryan Seacrest lays another “I’m not gay” egg — this time in Tudors drag!

10:26 p.m. Honestly, under threat of death, and even though he just mentioned the name of his show 30 seconds ago, I could not tell you right now if Wayne Brady is the host of Don’t Forget the Lyrics or The Singing Bee. And I’m oddly okay with that.

10:30 p.m. I wonder what kind of odds I’d have gotten in Vegas yesterday if I’d tried to bet Elaine Stritch and Stanley Tucci would spank Kanye West and Rainn Wilson in the Buzz-worthiest Presenters category?

10:33 p.m. Quick poll question: Do any of you currently enjoy Amazing Race more than Project Runway or American Idol?

10:36 p.m. “This is good stuff.” “These are my divorce papers.” “They’re hilarious.” How is it Tina Fey’s American Express commercial is funnier than most network sitcoms?

10:39 p.m. Is it that Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart’s bit is only mildly amusing tonight, or did the last hour of the telecast simply kill the laughter inside me?

10:40 p.m. Did the announcer dude just mispronounce “Carell”?

10:41 p.m. Well there’s an upset! Gervais over Baldwin and Carell? I think I better brace myself for a night overflowing with mild to moderate disappointment.

10:47 p.m. And just when I think none of my favorites is going to win tonight — the Best Actress in a Drama Emmy goes to the riveting, hilarious Sally Field, mother of all TV mothers on Brothers & Sisters. Still, how come her profane description of war gets censored, but not Brad Garrett’s milk “joke.”

10:52 p.m. EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

10:53 p.m. Sorry, lost my ability to blog for a second there over America Ferrera’s win for Ugly Betty. And while I usually prefer hilarity to sincerity in an acceptance speech, somehow America’s comment that “the award is to get up and go to work tomorrow” and see her coworkers faces is the emotional highlight of an otherwise unthrilling telecast.

10:56 p.m. (crickets)

10:57 p.m. Nope, still don’t have anything to say re. Spader’s Best Actor win for Boston Legal.

11:02 p.m. Dear God, Remember when Arrested Development won the Best Comedy Series Emmy, and then nobody watched it anyway, and then it got canceled? Well, on that note, I’d like you to please smite anyone who refuses to watch 30 Rock in the wake of its Emmy win tonight. I know it’s a little harsh, but they’ll just be getting what’s coming to them. Love, Slezak

11:08 p.m. Tomorrow, you can find James Gandolfini and Edie Falco in their matching, “My producers picked up Emmys, and all I got was this stupid musical tribute from Jersey Boys” t-shirts.

11:10 p.m. Sopranos winner David Chase ends an odd, occasionally amusing Emmys thusly: “Let’s face it, if the world and this nation was run by gangsters…maybe it is!”

11:11 p.m. No “Seacrest, out!” Oh, Ryan, you disappoint me.

11:15 p.m. Okay, P-Dubs, I’m gonna down another shot of Pepto, check the day’s horseracing results, then get some sleep. Thanks for keeping the party lively, zany, and always amusing in the comments section. And if you’re bummed about tonight’s results, not to worry: We can decry them for the next 365 days, while getting our hopes up for the 2008 nominations and awards telecast, then start the whole wretched process all over again when Boston Legal and Tony Shalhoub take home all of next year’s prizes. Fun!

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