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I Saw It, So You Don't Have To: 'Dragon Wars'

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Dragon_l

Dragon_lI really, really, really, really wanted to see Dragon Wars. The trailer had insane explosions, cars flying through the air, and a giant snake-like creature slithering up the side of the US Bank building in downtown LA!  Doesn’t that sound amazingly awesome?!

Well, after seeing the movie last night, I can say it was awesome…for all the wrong reasons.  My (unrealistically) high hopes were dashed pretty quickly. I will admit that the opening credits — which involves a camera panning over a 3D Asian scroll — were brilliant.  But that’s where the good part ends. Here’s the quick story recap: A long time ago, a boy falls in love with a girl who has the mark of a dragon on her shoulder. An old dude tells boy he must sacrifice her to the good Imoogi (dragon) so the bad Imoogi won’t destroy the earth. Boy refuses, because he loves the girl, and his village is destroyed.  Fast-forward 500 years, to present time. The old dude is now an antique dealer named Jack, and the boy (now going by the name Ethan), has a second chance to throw his love (Sarah) to the good Imoogi.   Add to that the fighting that takes place involving the FBI, the police, and random others.  Confused yet?  Oh yeah, and it’s all a Korean legend. 

It’s hard to pick the “best” parts of the movie, so I’ll just pick the “Oh my god, what the hell was that?” moments.

(1)  The old lady trying to walk through a fence because she saw the bad guy do it.  (She bounced off.)
(2)  The bum screaming to an ambulance that splashed him with water…”YOU BUM!!”  (Random!)
(3)  All the screaming women throwing their hands up in the air.  This leads to manyplates, medical papers, and/or bags getting air time.  (This gets meevery time.)
(4)  The military running into a cave to attack the badImoogi.  After seeing the dragon, they run back outside, where halftheir crew is already DEAD!  (How did that happen?!)  Then the bad dudeswings his sword and the rest of them fall down, dead!!!!  AMAZING!
(5) The zookeeper who witnesses the bad Imoogi throwing an elephant like itwas baby rattle.  No one believes him, so he gets put in a straightjacket.  But come to think of it, the bad Imoogi threw aroundlots of things — which was hilarious in its own right.

Seriously though, should you see this movie in the theater?Probably not.  I think if you were busted high or drunk it’d beamusing, but I don’t condone that.  Now, if this was on SciFi as atriple feature with Mega Snake and Ice Spiders, then it’d be cool. When it comes right down it, Dungeons & Dragons is Best Picture material compared to the dreck of Dragon Wars.  Yeah, I said it.

So PopWatchers, did any of you live through this War?

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