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Our thoughts on Britney Spears' VMA performance

Our thoughts on Britney Spears’ VMA performance — We offer a timeline of our emotions during the pop star’s wayward routine

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Our thoughts on Britney Spears’ VMA performance

00:00 Unbeweavable!
Lesson No. 1 in Pop Star Comebacks: Initial impressions are crucial. Lesson No. 2 in Pop Star Comebacks: Dark roots and shoddily applied hair extensions don’t make good initial impressions.

1:25 Slow Your Roll
Was she tired? Perhaps her stiletto heels were too high? Could it be that she was trying to hold something between her legs? Regardless of the answer, Britney seemed uncomfortable and had all the stage presence of a zombie. (Not Rob Zombie, mind you; that’d be a compliment.)

2:15 Flesh Dance Even when her voice fails to deliver, fans can usually count on Britney to turn out a high-octane dance routine. Not tonight. In an apparent homage to Showgirls, Britney shook her stuff and grabbed a lot of appendages. Luckily, there was no pole-licking involved.

2:45 Catch a Falling Star Trust falls belong only on corporate retreats — and we’re pretty sure these guys don’t work for IBM.

2:55 Shock and Awe The audience didn’t throw tomatoes, but they weren’t exactly offering support, either. 50 Cent looked positively dumbfounded by the onstage antics, and moments later Rihanna was laughing at something.

3:05 Out of Sync Yes, Britney, at this point, we were shielding our eyes too.

4:25 Cruel Intentions The performance was horrendous, but we truly felt sorry for Spears once comedian Sarah Silverman came on stage. Calling the pop star’s children ”mistakes” hit way below the belt — or, in this case, bedazzled panty lines.