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The Public Eye

TV's funniest quotes: Pick the week's best

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”We’ve got oysters Rockefeller, beef Wellington, Napoleon. If we leave this lunch alone, it’ll take over Europe.”
ROGER (JOHN SLATTERY), TRYING TO PERSUADE HIS LADY FRIEND TO STAY FOR A MEAL, ON MAD MEN

”Allow me to illustrate. This is your husband. Watch how he struggles for the slightest hint of sustenance. Slouching toward a Bethlehem of mercy that never appears. And just when he’s about to resign himself to his miserable, doomed fate, we allow the son of a bitch to escape with his life.”
CELIA’S BALL-BUSTING LAWYER (CARRIE FISHER), ON HOW BEST TO SQUEEZE HER SOON-TO-BE EX, ON WEEDS

”You’re not my mistress! Stop being mad at me!”
ARI GOLD (JEREMY PIVEN), ADMONISHING HIS ASSISTANT LLOYD (REX LEE), WHO’S ANGRY AT ARI FOR CANCELING HIS TRIP TO CANNES, ON ENTOURAGE

”No, really, I can’t. I have a paper to write…a project….I’m also growing out my bangs, which requires extra sleep.”
ASHLEIGH (AMBER STEVENS), ON WHY SHE CAN’T HELP CASEY (SPENCER GRAMMER) PLAN AN EVENT, ON GREEK

”I have never wanted kids. I think it’s the most selfish thing a person can do. Why should there be another idiot on this earth who looks like us?”
JACKIE WOODMAN (LAURA KIGHTLINGER), ON THE MINOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF JACKIE WOODMAN

”Here’s a fascinating story: there’s a man in Australia and he spent the last 15 years of his life typing — typing — the numbers ‘one’ to ‘one million.’ Fifteen years of his life typing the numbers ‘one,’ starting out with ‘o-n-e,’ fifteen years, ‘one’ to ‘one million’ — and, guess what, girls? He’s single.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON THE LATE SHOW

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