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Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of August 24

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1 Drew Carey injures himself on Price Is Right turntable
I won’t go into horrific detail, but he is now both spayed and neutered.

2 Idol hopeful goes into labor during audition, names baby Idol
Expect some sibling rivalry from big sister America’s Got Talent and brother Cable Access Puppet Show.

3 50 Cent reportedly says he’ll end his solo career if Kanye West outsells him
Confusing matters, John McCain released a statement declaring he’s still in the race.

4 Jaime Pressly says she likes to hang out in strip clubs
She loves the wings.

5 French teenager won’t be sued for pirate translation of Harry Potter
Great! I’m only halfway through Harrr-y Potter and the Single-Payer Health-Care System.

6 Dina and Michael Lohan reportedly close to divorce settlement
Looks like Lindsay’s life can start getting back to normal.

7 Eddie Van Halen kisses David Lee Roth
A real kiss. Not that back-in-a-jiff peck he used to give Cherone.

8 Brad Pitt does jury duty
”I, Brad Pitt, find myself guilty of first-degree hunkiness,” he declared, shortly before being excused.

9 Notorious B.I.G. movie announces open casting call
It’s being held by Suge Knight, who requests that applicants come alone.

10 Leonardo DiCaprio says there’s hope for the environment
In a last-ditch attempt to lower global temperatures, he will leave Earth to take his hotness to a distant, all-female ice planet.