Just because I don’t give a flying fig about who wins this year’s VMAs doesn’t mean I can’t get excited about the pretty posters David LaChapelle shot to promote the event, right? Take this image of Rihanna. It’s like something straight out of America’s Next Top Model, except the “Umbrella” singer isn’t surrounded by krumpers or being forced to hold ice cream in her bare hands. Hmmm, I wonder how the show’s judging panel might react. [Cue dream-sequence music!]
Tyra: Rihanna, here’s your best shot.
Twiggy: Llllove this!
Nigel: Very sexy girl. Very sexy.
Tyra: Fierce! And what’s great is, your expression is so intense, that’s all I’m able to focus on. It’s like the naked chorus girls with pink bars across their breasts don’t even exist.
Rihanna: Thank you.
Tyra: Although those cakes look good. You know Tyra isn’t trying to deny herself desserts in some ill-advised attempt to be a size 2, okay?
Guest judge/Friend of Tyra: You do remarkable things for women’s body image with this show.
Tyra: I know.
[Awkward silence from the panel.]
Tyra: Miss Jay, what do you think of Rihanna’s shot?
Miss Jay: As I like to say when I’m baking at home, “batter up!”
Twiggy: [Confused.] What does that mean?
Nigel: [Staring directly at Rihanna.] Unbelievably sexy.
Tyra: Congratulations, Rihanna, you’re still in the running. Towards becoming. America’s. Next. Top Model.
Rihanna: Thank you!
Tyra: Although it would help if next week you could work a little harder on your “journey.” After all, a Top Model needs to work the runway inside and out.
addCredit(“David LaChappelle for MTV”)