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Scott Brown's Hit List

The 10 hottest topics for the week of August 10

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1 The Simple Life ends its run
At this point, they’d basically be shooting a minimum-security Oz.

2 Kelly Osbourne to play Chicago prison matron
Chicago: keeping low-wattage celebrities off the streets since 1996.

3 Hasselbeck likes ”soulful” Whoopi for The View
She continued, ”She’ll really balance out my soullessness.”

4 Faith Hill tells McGraw-groping fan it is ”very disrespectful” to go ”grabbing somebody’s husband’s balls”
On the other hand, it might’ve just been a lyric.

5 Eddie Murphy engaged — but not to Scary Spice
I’m already bored with this story. Can somebody please put on a fat suit?

6 Diddy seeks new assistant on YouTube
Diddy, buddy, that snowman is not going to make it to Brooklyn and back with your cheesecake.

7 Jessica Alba reportedly splits with boyfriend Cash Warren
It hit her: If you invert his name, he sounds like a car salesman from Wichita. Turnoff!

8 John Mayer says he’ll prank passed-out fans
You will stay awake during ”Neon (Acoustic)” — or wake up with ”Mayer Hater” Sharpie’d on your face.

9 Pop singer blames Lohan DUI arrest on L.A.’s lack of public transit
She’ll change her tune when Lindsay rolls over her foot with a 10-car subway train.

10 Spears-Federline divorce finalized
I’m sure we’ll never hear another word about it!