Scott Brown
July 27, 2007 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 Air travelers help disheveled Nick Nolte use vending machine
He kept trying to make it give him bacon.

2 24 to inaugurate female president In true 24 fashion, she will be faced with a choice between family and patriotism, and she will choose torture.

3 50 Cent sues over banner ad
For the last time, 50 Cent does NOT want to reconnect with old friends from high school!

4 Lost‘s Evangeline Lilly glad her home burned
She felt it had become a storytelling crutch.

5 Winona Ryder ”didn’t have this tremendous sense of guilt” after shoplifting
Later this year, she plans to shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

6 Kelly Clarkson ”well aware that Clive [Davis] is one of the great record men of all time”
”He’s the guy who met the devil at the crossroads and traded his soul for a pair of golden ears, right?”

7 Marc Anthony and J. Lo ”just look at each other and say, ‘We are so normal”’
For a more accurate reading, they should try looking at other people.

8 Beckham has star-studded U.S. soccer debut
Shortly before the stars realized, ”Oh…it’s just #@!* soccer!”

9 Jodie Sweetin married
The husband was selected after a brief pants-off dance-off.

10 Esai Morales’ ex says NYPD Blue star gave her herpes
Hey, can I sue if that shot of Dennis Franz’s keister gave me eye herpes?

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