July 20, 2007 at 04:00 AM EDT

1 Paris Hilton jail-stay investigation launched
Because there’s still so much we don’t know.

2 Michael Richards goes to Cambodia to find himself
There, he will be billed as ”funnier and more tolerant than Pol Pot!”

3 Ivanka Trump soon to have larger role in Trump company
She will take over the Department of Grandiose Claims, and also think up eight new Rosie insults each day.

4 Criss Angel linked to Lindsay Lohan
In order to get with Criss Angel, one need only answer the question ”Is this your card?” correctly.

5 Jessica Simpson says she loves the bump on her nose
Ashlee loved hers too. So much that she set it free.

6 Bull featured on webcast is reportedly spared slaughter
Don’t get me wrong: I love bull meat. But you should see this thing lip-synch ”Surrender.”

7 BET defends controversial new series Hot Ghetto Mess
It’s educational. Just look at how The Beverly Hillbillies wiped out hillbillyism.

8 Bai Ling’s breast pops out in public
Yeah. Slow week.

9 Twelve-year-old takes over as star of Ace Ventura franchise
It’s so cute: When the butt talks, its voice cracks.

10 Star Jones says The View needs more diversity
Whereas I say The View needs more perversity!

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