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'Age of Love': Episode 5

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Mary_lYou know you’ve been watching Age of Love fortoo long when you break out a dance to coincide with the theme song, “Lookof Love” by ABC. And you know you are a sad human being when you pre-gamethe show by playing as the Poo in VirtuaTennis. But hey, it’s just my life. I never said I was proud of it. (By theway, the music video for “Look of Love” is insane. It’s like Wizard ofOz meets The Music Man meetsOktoberfest… in the ’80s!)

Anyways, last night’s episode was like a kindergarten mathproblem: If there are six women left, and Mark has time to go on three dates,how many women should go on each date? Upholding their tradition of fuzzy math,the producers decided upon a 3-2-1 split for the outings, perhaps hoping to balance the odds for 48-year-old Jen, themost seasoned of all the cougars. At this crucial juncture in the competition,let’s stop volleying back and forth with tired tennis metaphors and assessindividual performances.

Jayanna: I can’tbelieve I’m saying this, but Jay-money is losing her thunder. She’s too cockyand into presenting herself as so vivacious and outgoing. Plus, you know I’m astickler for “the rules,” and it’s starting to bother me that she is39. She’s like the reverse Danny Almonte of the competition.

Megan: Shereminds me of myself when I went to L.A. last summer and kept whining abouthow I wanted to go to the beach. Give it a rest, Megan! And don’t try to dothings with Mark that you did with your dad when you were a little girl. Believeit or not, that makes dudes feel mad uncomfortable.

addCredit(“Age of Love: Dean Hendler”)

Jen: Aftermounting Mark’s hog (I’m talking about his Harley, people), Jen made the mostof her solo date by frenching like it was going out of fashion. She had a greatshowing but at the end of the day I think the Poo will answer the promotionaltrailers and say, “Yes, age is afactor.” Also, I am still confused that she is apparently Jerry Buss’assistant and can presumably get courtside seats at the Staples Center, yet she A) cannot find aman, and B) has never been up Mulholland Drive.

Amanda: “What’sup with those boobs?” is the question of the day posed by Mandi and friendEva, whose pro bono consulting work givesthis week’s Age of Love recap its authoritative tone. “I don’tknow, they are sort of weird, right?” is my only answer. It almost lookedlike Posh’s chest had migrated over from VictoriaBeckham: Coming to America. At any rate, Amanda’s jealousy, fawningadoration, and awkwardly tearful smiles are growing more le tired by the second. When she rolled into “Moroccan MovieNight” and said she felt like she was ina movie… well, I knew then that she is truly unbearable. (Incidentally, that mightbe the only movie that could possibly worse than The Flying Deuces, which I thought was going to be a documentaryabout the Poo’s career.)

Maria: You’rekilling me, Maria! Rule numero one of going on a Bachelor-style dating show is that youcannot expect to be “chased” or get mad at the bachelor for hangingout with other women. He is just wandering aimlessly around the Big Catsenclosure; you must fight for your survival. It was somewhat kind of her togive some motherly advice to Mary — “A man’s love for you is based on yourlove for yourself” — but being condescending to the Poo and telling him,”Women won’t wait for you” was bang out of order.

Mary (pictured): The fullbreakdown was so close to completion when the voices in Mary’s mind startedtelling her that even her co-kittens — who had previously been her”rock” — weren’t there forher. Her elimination speech was straight out of a Tony Robbins book — adesperate ploy to “be strong” in the face of unavoidable failure anddepression. “I’m gonna go home with dignity,” she insisted. “I’mnot gonna go home looking stupid. No one looks stupid for trying.” Well,almost no one… If she learned anything from this experience, I hope it’s thatanecdotes aren’t her forte.

Mark and Mark: Callme “gay,” but my favorite part of the show is when Consuelos and thePoo sit down for a chat. I see them hanging out well after this whole thing iswrapped up. The Poo won bonus points for lying under the covers with two girlsand managing to convince both that they were getting the most attention. Also forboldly remixing the Adidas motto by telling Jen, “Everything ispossible.” This guy’s an absolute player!

NEXT WEEK: The cougars in their natural environs… the woods!Plus: A shocking elimination when someone (hopefully Amanda) plays dirty.

As Jules Renard said, “It’s not how old you are, but how youare old.” No doubt, Jules. I don’t know what you mean really, but I feelyou.