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Oscars 2017
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TV's funniest quotes: Pick the best

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”Airport security in England detained James Hetfield, the lead singer of Metallica. Apparently, he kept setting off the heavy metal detector.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE SHOW

”We are the fortysomethings, and you do have to respect your elders, ’cause I don’t want to have to bend anyone over my knee and spank ’em, ’cause I will! ”
JAYANNA, AFTER SHE FINDS OUT THE TWENTYSOMETHINGS WILL BE MOVING INTO THE FORTYSOMETHINGS’ HOME, ON AGE OF LOVE

”I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penguin.”
CRAIG FERGUSON, EXPLAINING WHY HE DIDN’T WATCH THE LIVE EARTH CONCERTS, ON THE LATE LATE SHOW

”I just don’t feel like she’s a person of substance, because of her enormous giant boobs.”
CAROL, OF FELLOW HOUSEMATE JEN, ON BIG BROTHER 8

”Al Gore’s son was arrested [for] speeding, doing 100 mph. And Al’s already made a movie about it. It’s called An Inconvenient Son.”
DAVID LETTERMAN, ON LATE SHOW

”The new Harry Potter movie — Harry Potter and the Goblet of Spit — opened today. I waited all night in line for tickets, and when I got to the front, they sold me an iPhone.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

Sound Bites Poll

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