I know I should not be blogging about this Access Hollywood clip titled “Kristy Swanson Shows Off Alleged Assault Bruises.” After all, it’s one of those depressing actress-meets -married-skater, skater- leaves-pregnant-wife-and-has-baby-with-actress, actress-and-now-ex-wife-get-into-alleged-physical- tussle stories that don’t really belong on EW.com. But the whole video is so crazy-heinous, I cannot ignore it. Hear Lloyd Eisler (pictured, a/k/a the “skater”) utter the sentence, “it’s a good black eye.” Listen to the odd background noises (screaming baby, random cellphone, loud thuds). Marvel at Swanson’s dramatic pronunciation of “arm…pit.” And remember the moral of the story: “When you hit somebody with a ring, you’re getting cut!”
Still, none of that would be PopWatch worthy if it were not for the most dramatic bit of chin foliage in the history of ever. Won’t you watch for yourself (click here!), then take the corresponding pop quiz?
The thing on Lloyd Eisler’s chin:
(A) is the world’s most robust soul patch.
(B) required the use of Miracle-Gro ™.
(C) makes me feel funny.
(D) is actually responsible for all the alleged bruises and scrapes discussed in the video, but everyone’s too scared of it to make the accusation.
(E) Did Kristy Swanson say “lollygagging”?
(F) All of the above.