In the wake of Barbara Walters’ recent comments about Rosie O’Donnell on Ryan Seacrest’s radio program, and O’Donnell’s response on her blog, we wondered what it might sound like if the former co-hosts of The View bumped into each other on the street for a final tête-à-tête (Hasselbeck not included).
Barbara: Well, if it isn’t my close personal friend, Wosie O’Donnell!
Rosie: Oh cut the crap, Babs!
Barbara: Wosie, you know I hate it when you use the ‘C’ word!
Rosie: Well, you know I hate it when you talk trash about me on the airwaves.
Barbara: Oh, heavens. Is The Donald recounting my “two lesbians walk into a bar” joke in public?
Rosie: Um, WHA—? I’m talking about your interview last week with Ryan Seacrest.
Barbara: Who’s that?
Rosie: The American Idol host? The one with a morning radio show in L.A.?
Barbara: Not ringing any bells, I’m afraid.
Rosie: You went on his show last week and blabbed how you couldn’t discuss heterosexual sex during “Hot Topics” while I was on The View.
Barbara: Ohhh! Was that a radio interview? I thought I was on the phonewith my godson. I’m always a little woozy after my calisthenics.
Rosie:Woozier than Anne Coulter at a Gay Pride parade! Come on, Babs, I hadno problem with Joy and Elisabeth talking about their sex lives — evenif it was kind of gross. I just didn’t think it was appropriate comingfrom a woman who’s almost 80.
Barbara: It’s funny to hear you talkabout “appropriate” after you offended Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump, andthe nation of China!
Rosie: Whatever, sister. I’ve got a laundry list of your offenses.
Barbara: Why don’t you save it for your haiku, keep it to 17 syllables?
Rosie: Well, I’ll be using up four with the name Paris Hilton, since you would welcome her to visit The View when they let her out of the clink. Classy! Don’t you have any standards?
Barbara: This coming from the star of Exit to Eden?
Rosie: This coming from the woman who scored an exclusive with the Menendez brothers?
Barbara: This coming from the producer of Taboo?
Rosie: That’s it! I’m revoking your tickets to this summer’s R Family Cruise.
Barbara:Oh no, Wosie, please! I take it all back! Where else am I gonna be ableto put on my two-piece and hear Cyndi Lauper perform?
Rosie: I don’t know, Babs, hindsight is 20-20.
Barbara: [Gasps giddily.] You said 20-20!
Rosie: [Sighs.] I never could resist the combo of you and Hugh Downs. He’s such a cutie-patootie.
Barbara: What if I get you his autograph? Can I still go on the cruise?
Rosie: Okay, but you also have to say the magic word.
Barbara: Rosie, I don’t know…
Rosie: Say it, Babs!
Barbara: Oh, all right. [Giggling.] Hasselbot!
Rosie: See you next week…and for God’s sake, this time don’t forget your sarong.