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Things That Make Me Die Inside (Vol. 23)

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Sweet16_lTrue confessions time: I’ve never watched an episode of My Super Sweet 16 in its entirety. But I have stumbled across MTV’s grotesque documentary series during numerous channel-surfing sessions, found myself frozen for a few minutes of abject horror, and then willed myself to flip to something comparably dulcet and genteel, like, say, 30 Minute Meals. I mean, I enjoy watching (and mocking) heinous fame-o-sexuals as much as anyone I know, but I draw the line at shrieking children berating their parents for hiring the wrong A-list talent to perform at birthday Bacchanals that cost more than many working families make in a year. (Sorry…I should probably save that kind of rambling monologue for the therapist’s couch.)

Nevertheless, you’ll understand how vexed I am at the discovery that MTV has launched MySuperSweet16.com as a way to give “real teens from around the country the tools to become their own storytellers, connect with one another and completely reshape the fabric that is woven throughout our programs.” (That’s according to Brian Graden, president of entertainment at MTV Networks Music Group and Logo.) Um, is dude trying to say that the show’s core audience somehow views My Super Sweet 16 as aspirational television? And what are they going to do at the site? View audition reels from male strippers? Compare exorbitant pricing schedules for garish party planners?

I don’t know about you, PopWatchers, but for some reason, I cannot bring myself to click on any of the buttons on the My Super Sweet 16 site. Deep down, I can’t shake the fear that I’ll open a giant portal to hell on my computer screen, get sucked into a flaming pit, and spend eternity as a foot-servant for one of these pampered, fork-tongued teen-beasts. Feel free to report back your findings on this new and alarming Internet development, but just remember, Grandpa Slezak will probably not approve.