I already did a blog post yesterday consisting solely of the word “no,” a decision I’m regretting now that I’m faced with the task of writing about the trailer for Jessica Simpson’s latest movie vehicle, Blonde Ambition. And since I can’t bring lazy back to PopWatch twice in two days, I am forced to wax a little more verbosely — and hopefully, poetically — about what looks like the surest-fire box-office bomb of 2007. (No official release date yet, apparently.) So without further ado:
The pratfalls and the Tunstall tunes
Won’t make you Ugly Betty
And don’t dare whisper Working Girl
For that would be too heady
Can’t blame you for the reference to
Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition”
But Jessica, I’ve heard you sing
You’d better keep on wishin’
Add cut-rate clothes and tacky sets
You think that’s N.Y.C.?
Listen, sister, I’ve walked these streets
It looks more like Albany*!
And what about Miss R.L. Cook
With her sad New Yawk inflection?
If faced with it just one more time
I’d choose a staph infection
Now, last not least, a question for
The Wilson bro named Luke
How much are they paying you,
To suppress the urge to puke?
You’re easy targets, one and all
Me? I’m a snarky pill
But you can dry your tears of pain
With hundred-dollar bills.
(*As a proud native of Amsterdam, NY, no offense intended toward the great state capital. But this film is supposed to be Manhattan-set, and really doesn’t look like it. That is all.)