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Celebrating a ''Simpsons'' milestone

Celebrating a ”Simpsons” milestone — We toast the 400th episode by touring Moe’s Tavern

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It’s not every day that a prime-time comedy celebrates its 400th episode. So with Fox’s The Simpsons hitting the four-century mark on May 20, Moe reluctantly agreed to let us toast the milestone at his disreputable watering hole-in-the-wall. After more arm-twisting, he even threw in a guided tour. He begins (gruffly, of course): ”Moe’s Tavern mixes old-world charm with new-world amenities and…I can’t lie to you — drinking from a flask in the bus station is more fun.”

1. ILLEGAL PANDA
Moe has been known to run some pretty shady operations out of his establishment, including, yes, a panda-smuggling ring. ”When I see a beautiful, endangered animal,” says Moe, ”alls I can think is ‘Some jerk’s gonna shell out a lot of cabbage for this.”’

2. PICKLED EGGS
There are countless ways to eat eggs, but to live longer, stay away from the pickled ones that have been stagnating on Moe’s bar top since…well, let’s ask him. ”I’ll be honest. Those eggs been there so long, the animal they came from is extinct.”

3. FLAMING MOE
Remember when Moe jacked Homer’s recipe (secret ingredient: cough syrup) and named it the Flaming Moe? His cocktail-concocting days may not be over. ”I got a new fancy-pants drink — it’s a beer with a sardine in it. I call it ‘A Beer With a Sardine in It.’ Patent pending.”

4. AEROSMITH PIC
Emotions were sweet when Aerosmith dropped by. ”Did you know ‘Dude (Looks Like a Lady)’ was written about a chick I almost married? Boy, I dodged a bullet there.”

5. BOGUS LICENSE
Moe’s liquor license looks fishier than an aquarium. So why haven’t the authorities intervened? ”The cops feel the greater public good is served by knowin’ where I am at all times. They don’t want me going back to livin’ in the library. That was a dark time.”

6. BARNEY’S TAB
Despite the fact that Barney’s bar tab is soaring out of control — NASA once calculated it at $14 billion — Moe has yet to cut off his freeloading friend. ”You gotta have a hopeless case like Barney around, ’cause he makes the functional alcoholics feel better about themselves.”

7. LENNY AND CARL
The world can be divided into two groups: those who lionize Lenny, and those who canonize Carl. Care to weigh in, Moe? ”I’m gonna say Carl. ‘Cause he’s the only guy I know who reads this crappy magazine, and I don’t wanna hurt his feelings.”

8. LOVE TESTER
Are you man enough to try the Love Tester? If not, don’t worry — apparently that contraption has seen better days. ”Barney peed in the machinery a couple years back and the Love Tester hasn’t been accurate since. A lot of obvious ‘Cold Fish’ are comin’ up ‘Hot Tamale.”’

9. HOMER SIMPSON
Homer Simpson in his natural habitat —and by that, we mean any edifice that contains a generous amount of booze. ”Homer is a terrific customer. We have an agreement: I serve him watered-down drinks and he pays me with counterfeit money.”