1 Richard Gere burned in effigy in India In India, it is widely felt that ‘Sommersby’ could have been better.
2 Patrick Dempsey finishes sixth in car race But his man-mane did win ”Least Objectionable Helmet Head.”
3 O.J. Simpson book auction canceled They’re trying to time it with the other six plagues.
4 Vegan Alicia Silverstone says her diet was once ”steak and doughnuts” In fact, she signed on to ‘Batman & Robin’ because the working title was ‘Steak & Doughnuts.’
5 Hillary Clinton says Sanjaya is an effect of democracy Along with fatigue, dry mouth, and sectarian hatred, all of which we can expect in abundance.
6 Andre Agassi accidentally hits wife Steffi Graf with racket Later, Andre will be ”accidentally” force-fed a can of balls.
7 Reality show auditioning for new Menudo To modernize the group, it will be renamed either YouNudo or iNudo.
8 Katie Holmes visits a Target in Shreveport, La. She called the low, low prices ”really wonderful, like a fairy tale,” before collapsing in tears on a Naugahyde divan.
9 Scary Spice says Eddie Murphy fathered her baby Suspicions arose when it emerged from the womb in a latex fat suit.
10 Exorbitant Sahara budget disclosed in L.A. Times The studio defended the $750K for ”McConaughey nude-bongo control measures” as ”absolutely necessary.”