I’m worried, PopWatchers. Based on episode 3 of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman — anyone else wonder that happened to the missing “An” in that title? — I fear that future bachelorettes might be taking away some false and/or dangerous lessons. So let’s get right to it and debunk the three most misleading pieces of information disseminated on last night’s show.
Myth No. 1: The fastest way to a rose is injury! Having a “drill sergeant” order the bachelorettes out of bed and force them to clean the commode with toothbrushes — all without makeup or moisturizer! — was a stroke of genius. Well, at least until the veiny, screaming Mr. Clean sent the ladies through an obstacle course, and zealous Bevin (pictured) appeared to fracture her left ankle. That strange humming noise you heard while Andy rushed to the scene and handed a rose to his “fallen soldier” was the sound of 11 soulless, hung-over women screaming, “WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT?” (Screaming on the inside, of course.) Amazingly, Nicole actually allowed herself to express that thought aloud before the rose ceremony, but even better was Amanda’s envy about Bevin’s trip to the emergency room: “Maybe that one-on-one time wasn’t appealing to her, but…” Oh come on! Anyone want to bet on one of the remaining women “accidentally” cutting off a finger while making a blender drink, or hitting her head on the side of the Jacuzzi, before the season’s out?
Also hilarious was the pre-commercial tease as the ambulance carried away the fallen bachelorette: “Can Bevin continue to date Andy?” Um, why not? Girlfriend injured an ankle — no need to put her in a sack and take her down to the river. Then again, an unappealing ankle-cast isn’t convenient if you want to slip on a bikini and cavort in a mud bath. Which brings me to Myth No. 2.
addCredit(“The Bachelor: Bob D’Amico”)
Myth No. 2: Mud baths are sexy! To which I say, “Noooooo!” Every time ABCteased the episode with Andy and his five chicks covered in brown goop,I just kept thinking, “How are they gonna get all that stuff out fromunder their nails?” Not that such concerns stopped Stephanie SouthCarolina from trying to rub down Andy with the gunk like she wastenderizing a steak with chipotle rub. Indeed, the gummy one got sohopped up during her post-spa shower with Andy, I half expected her torip away a hunk of his pectoral muscle as a trophy. Usually, it takesfour or five episodes for the show’s resident she-beast to startmentally breaking down, but not Stephanie S.C. The Glenn Close in hereyes is as naked as Andy’s alarming eight-pack; you know he can see it,too. The producers are totally making him keep her around — the betterthe rose-ceremony meltdown when she finally gets cut. And the finaldangerous tidbit of the night…
Myth No. 3: Connections happen while driving fast cars! Say wha? A terrible choice of group date, Bachelorproducers! For starters, when you put people behind the wheel of amotor vehicle, you automatically have to remove alcohol from the mix.And The Bachelor without alcohol is like Bert without Ernie.The only good thing about the date was watching Erin try to use herActing 101 technique for “sexyface” (tilt head, touch finger to lip,bat eyelashes) and talk about her love of firearms. “Erin may havebleached blond hair and look like a Barbie doll, but she sure knows howto do some manly things — like shoot guns. So that’s attractive,” saidAndy, probably reading off cue-cards, before eventually choosing saidBarbie and Amanda (both driving buddies) for the rose ceremony’s onlytwo cuts.
Anyhow, here’s hoping for no more driving, no more mud (unless it’smud-slinging), and no more (physical) injuries this season. At thispoint, I’m sort of vaguely rooting for Tessa, whose response to seeingAndy in action on an aircraft carrier was “it made him a real person forme” as opposed to “OMG! I want to spend the rest of my life with thisman!” Also, her date yielded the night’s best unintentional doozy: ” Iwant Tessa to let me into her comfort zone.” I’m sure you do, Mr.Baldwin. [Removes shades.] I’m sure you do.