I relocated from New York City to Los Angeles a year ago, excited for a different urban experience, yet knowing I was entering the dreaded Mecca of Hollywood youth culture. Having successfully lived here a year avoiding it, I foolishly decided to watch the premier episode of A&E’s dreadful reality show Sons of Hollywood on demand this weekend. An hour later, a little part of me had died inside and a big part of me was embarrassed to be an Angeleno.
The show focuses on a trio of nimrod best buddies: No. 1 is Aaron Spelling’s son (and Tori’s little brother) Randy, who is an aspiring actor and straight stud in these parts (according to the show). Buddy No. 2 is the really dumb aspiring musician Sean “Stewy” Stewart, a.k.a. Rod Stewart’s son (and Kimberly Stewart’s brother — Woot! I mean, Yuck!). Buddy No. 3 is some agent guy who I am sure I could look up but I don’t even care, although I will point out that he comes off as the smart one, which isn’t saying much. Anyway, they believe they’re pretty friggin’ special, so much so that the tagline for their show is “Real Life, Only Better” and their theme song, co-written and sung by Stewy, has something to do with being in the in-crowd. I don’t want to go into much detail because I don’t want to give the trio too much attention but here is just a sampling of what goes down in their better-than-us-real-people lives:
In Vegas, after losing all of his money at a card table, Stewy makes a manly toast to “Women, fine wine, fast cars and giving it from behind, baby!” (Yes he makes a chair humping gesture.) A couple of minutes later, I am not kidding you, as a quiet, daft, skinny, tan, blonde girl stares coyly at the ground, a passive-aggressive cotton-candy-throwing fight ensues between Rod’s son and Aaron’s son. The cotton candy brawl happened because one of them drunkenly said that they were gonna do something to someone with their big you-know-what and then the other retorted something like, “Oh yeah, but first I’m gonna hit you with my big you-know-what,” and then cotton candy showed up and they started viciously hurling it back and forth at each other. (Don’t believe me? You can watch it here.) Why was Spelling so harshly cotton-candied? Here is Stewart’s explanation:”There is so much pressure on you, especially when your dad is a huge rock star.”
addCredit(“Cotton candy: Philip Reeson / Retna UK”)
The best part of Sons of Hollywood comes in around thefirst five minutes of the premiere episode. Agent Guy has announced ina voiceover that the boys are headed to Las Vegas. Early that morning,Spelling and Stewart are amusing themselves by badly playing pool,knowing that the limo is patiently waiting outside for them and thatthey are late. Agent Guy tries to get them away from the pool table andinto the waiting limo and then finally gives up, saying, “You guys aredumbasses!” I could not agree more! I want to live as far away from theSons of Hollywood as possible! New York City, will you find it in yourheart to please take me back?
But wait, now that I think of New York, I am reminded of the firstnimrods to hit A&E, the Gotti brothers! Oh no, what if A&E dida crossover program with the dumbest guys in New York and dumbest guysin Los Angeles? What would happen, PopWatchers? Even worse, what ifthey threw in a Bounty Hunter? Lastly, PopWatchers, if you’ve watchedan episode of this show, did you get through it without cringing? Couldyou watch another one? If you dare, Sons of Hollywood is on Sunday nights at 10:00 p.m. (Funny, that is the same timeslot that a good show about dumb, rich Hollywood guys airs on a little channel named HBO.)