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'The Bachelor': Officer and 25 she-beasts

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Tina_lWho says the network comedy is dead? As last night’s season premiere of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman proved, it’s alive and well and disguised as a reality dating show. And my top five wacky characters include:

5) The One Everyone Is Going to Hate: Stephanie, the “organ donor coordinator” from South Carolina, has already been dubbed as “heinous” by a fellow bachelorette, and I kind of agree. What kind of woman would allow herself to say, “I plan on getting rose after rose after rose until I get a ring on the finger,” after no more than a two-minute introductory conversation? A woman who’s never stopped and thought, “What if I get to know the guy and I’m not that into him?,” that’s who.

4) The Insane One With the Excited Eyes: Oh Linda, it’s a shame you won’t be back next week to challenge Andy to push-up competitions, discuss your “OCD” commitment to working out, and confess to the camera that “Andy is my mirror image in a male form.” I hope your coworkers at the law firm back in Ohio are an understanding bunch.

3) The One Who Sang the National Anthem: Look, I love my country, and I have no problem with “The Star Spangled Banner.” But seriously? Would you stand up in a crowded room and serenade a dude with this particular number on your very first date? I had to rewind Tina’s performance twice; the first time through, I just couldn’t look at the screen, and the second time, I was howling too hard. TINA WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? Then again, what do I know? The chick got a rose.

2) The Britney Spears Look-alike Who Had a Hiccup Fit and Fell Off a Barstool: To reach Blakeney, dial 1-800-HOT-MESS.

1) The Insane One With Multiple-Meltdown Disorder: Don’t makeLindsay angry… you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Oh, wait! Youactually would, because she’s hilarious when she’s angry. Choicestquote: “I have ears like a f***in’ hawk! Don’t lie to me!” And also:”I’ll look like a jackass all day and all night!” Plus, the scowlingwhen it became clear Andy had no intention of giving her a rose. Andthe storming out when, in fact, he did not. And let’s not forget,insulting the Bachelor’s personality, head, and teeth to the camera.Class act! Although if I had to hang out with one of these hags, it’dtotally be her.

I’d also like to give honorable mentions to The One Who Performeda Back Handspring in a Ballgown (Stephanie W.) — and will leap througha hoop of flames next week! — as well as the editors, for brilliantlyfollowing up Chris Harrison’s voiceover of “There’s much more to Andythan his work…” by cutting to a shot of the Bachelor removing hisshirt, and baring a torso containing 1% body fat (and an even lowerpercentage of body hair). Throw in random bachelorette quotes like”You’re gonna like me ’cause I like to get beat up” and “Want to usetequila instead of eggs?” (they were making a cake, they did use thetequila, and it ended up looking like a pile of dung), and this isdefinitely going to be a season to remember.

Did you watch The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman last night? And if so, how are you feeling about it (and yourself) right now?