We sure do get a lot of laughable press materials around here, but perhaps none so utterly useless as the new “home confinement survival kit” for the Shia LaBeouf movie Disturbia (pictured). Included: black Easter-basket grass that takes up 90 percent of the box, crappy binoculars that say “Disturbia” on them, reflective armband, Red Bull, Twinkie. Also: “Ten Ways to Survive Home Confinement,” some of which are “Check locks throughout the house” and “Make friends with a gnome.” A gnome? Well, yes, because No. 7 recommends “marking your boundaries with string and your gnome to avoid another run-in with the cops.” Ugh. I am so over gnomes being their own punchlines.
Other suggestions are things I already do every night anyway, such as No. 5: Chill with friends, No. 4: Watch YouTube videos until your eyes bleed, and No. 1: Discover your neighbor’s evil secrets. That’s easy — alcoholism and lots of screaming. I get an A in home confinement!
On second thought, maybe the photo should have been of me eating the Twinkie.
UPDATE: Slezak just took the Twinkie. If you’ll excuse me we must go reenact the Lindsay/Lucille Bluth at Kilmpy’s scene from Arrested Development:
“Oh, Annie. There goes your dessert.”
“Why don’t you eat it, Michael? Why don’t you take this Twinkie and shove it up your– Hey! Who called the cops?”
OH MY GOD I should have used string and my gnome.