Scott Brown
March 16, 2007 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Scott Brown’s Hit List

1 Jennifer Hudson to promote Avon Going door to door, she’ll sing the impassioned ”And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (Until You Buy Eight Quarts of Lip Gloss).”

2 Pope Benedict criticizes John Paul II and Dylan concert appearance ”It was like Train opening for Zeppelin,” sniffed the pontiff. ”You got to bring the fire.”

3 Obama reportedly asks Beyoncé for autograph He had to know how she was spelling ”that weird name of hers.”

4 Tabloid apologizes for claiming Kate Winslet saw Chinese dietitian They thought she was on that trendy new all-fortune-cookie diet. (It works! Every fortune reads, ”You’re still too fat!”)

5 Blues Traveler singer arrested for gun and alleged drug possession Please say they also impounded the harmonica.

6 Aerosmith to play India Congrats, India: You are now prosperous enough to enjoy middle-of-the-road yuppie rock.

7 Sopranos to film final-episode scene in N.J. ice-cream parlor Spoiler alert: Tony will die in a hail of butter brickle.

8 Captain America dead With troops stretched thin, we must now extend the tours of Sgt. Slaughter and Beetle Bailey.

9 O.J. rumored to have had Anna Nicole fling He’s just waiting for a tasteful moment to make the announcement.

10 Eva Longoria wants Kenny Chesney to sing at wedding For another $400, he’ll even be the groom for a few weeks.

For all the latest headlines, pictures, and ridiculous Hollywood miscellany, visit

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