So Gwyneth Paltrow’s revelation in Spanish Vogue that her son and daughter, Moses and Apple, have regular playdates with the children of Stella McCartney and Madonna got us thinking: What would the conversation at one of these get-togethers sound like? Since we have yet to receive a proper invite, we decided to do the next best thing and make something up:
Madonna: Here, Apple, would you like a digestive biscuit?
Gwyneth: Wait, are they macrobiotic?
Madonna: Of course.
Stella: And vegetarian?
Madonna: They’re even kosher. Pareve. Dairy free.
Gwyneth: I know what “Pareve” means. I’m Jewish.
Madonna: Well, your dad was Jewish but not your mum, so technically, you’re not Jewish.
Gwyneth: For your information, my mother was in Brighton Beach Memoirs.
Stella: Hard to say, Gwynnie, but wait a minute, Madge, weren’t you born Catholic?
Madonna: Yes, but now Guy and I and the kids are Kabbalists. We…
Gwyneth: Apple! Don’t touch the Fabergé egg! How many times does Mommy have to tell you?
Madonna: [Raises eyebrow.] Ahem.
Gwyneth: What? It’s not a toy. It’s expensive.
Madonna: It’s not that.
Stella: You said, “Mommy.”
Gwyneth: I did? Are you most certain?
Stella: Gwyneth, you silly slag, for the second time today, it’s “Mummy!”
Madonna: Do we have to drag you into the loo and wash out your mouth with the new soap I just bought at Marks & Spencer? I stood in the queue forever to pay for it, then I had to bring it to the car and put it in the boot.
Stella: [Rolls eyes.] Madge, don’t push it.
Gwyneth: I, I, I…
Stella: And last week, when you sent that evite to Moses’ birthday party, you spelled colour without the “u.”
Madonna: [Gasps.] God save the Queen!
addCredit(“Paltrow: Brett Kaffee/Ed Isabella/Splash News”)
Gwyneth: Oh, Madge, come off it! You’re just envious because Ican rock a flawless British accent, while your speaking voice stillreeks of the Detroit suburbs!
Madonna: Oh please, you think I’m jealous of Sliding Doors? That was rubbish!
Gwyneth: I have an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love!
Madonna: I have a Golden Globe for Evita, you dirty old scrubber!
Stella: Okay, I’m not doing this anymore. I’m out of here.
Madonna: Wait, Stella, hang on! Kettle! Knickers! Mind the gap!
Gwyneth: Sir An-toe-nee Hopkins! Stella, how was that?
Stella: [Grabs her kids by the arms. Heads for door.] Kids, we’re leaving!
Madonna: Wait, you forgot Miller’s sweater, I mean, his jumper!
[Door slams shut. A few seconds of awkward silence.]
Gwyneth: I guess it’s just us, then?
Madonna: You have any scones? Or crumpets?
Gwyneth: Is SuperNanny British?