I hate today. And it’s not just because I am a bitter single woman watching her youthful vitality shrivel as the years pass, dark and empty; it’s because if you need a holiday to remind you to love other people, you deserve a chocolate-covered strawberry up the nose. Each year, on February 14th, I don my traditional black hooded sweatshirt and enter a self-imposed blackout of all V-Day-related products, activities, and media. I’d like to invite you to join me and stand strong against the fascism of pink. Here are Whitney’s Top 5 Things Guaranteed to Counteract the Disgustingly Manipulative and Commercially Driven “Holiday” We Are “Celebrating” Today:
5. My friend Josh just told me that there is a place in China where, if the price is right, you can snuggle with pandas. YouTube provides a wealth of proof. Start here.
4. Have you looked at the tile in your shower lately? If you’re at all like me, it is black as the pain in your soul. Go to the store, buy some Tilex, and give it a good spray. Watch the mildew recede, and feel your rage go with it.
addCredit(“Leaving Las Vegas: Everett Collection”)
3. 90’s music is surprisingly therapeutic at times like these. Recommended:
Nirvana, Bleach (gimme back my alcohol!)
Everclear, So Much for the Afterglow (I don’t wanna be normal like you!)
Hole, Live Through This (someday you will ache like I ache!)
Rage Against the Machine, Rage Against the Machine (eff you, I won’t do what you tell me!)
They Might Be Giants, John Henry (why must I be sad?)
Beastie Boys, Ill Communication (suh-suh-suh so listen now ’cause you can’t say nothin’!)
White Stripes, White Stripes (stop breaking down!)
Jane’s Addiction, Ritual De Lo Habitual (took the pain!)
Pearl Jam, Vs (get out of my effing face!)
Liz Phair, Exile in Guyville (not recommended for men!)
Dr. Dre, The Chronic (like this and like that!)
The Breeders, Last Splash (if you’re so special, why aren’t you dead?)
Feel free to suggest your own, PopWatchers!
2. If you were thinking about watching a romantic movie, do not under any circumstances try that. Here are some alternatives:
If you were going to watch Casablanca, watch Bridge Over the River Kwai instead.
If you were going to watch Say Anything, watch Better Off Dead instead.
If you were going to watch Amélie, watch Delicatessen instead.
If you were going to watch Moonstruck, watch Leaving Las Vegas (pictured) instead.
If you were going to watch When Harry Met Sally…, just go ahead and set yourself on fire instead.
1. Do you see that large rectangular object on the wall? That is a door. It leads outside. Use it. Once you get outside, look for trees or water or mountains or the sun doing pretty things or some dogs playing. Stare at these things for a while. You may be surprised how little they care about fake holidays, and how much they give back.