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Hard Knock Life (Cherry Coke Anthem)

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It’s tough to be Jay-Z. He could be endorsing every product on the market, but he can choose only a couple hundred. His latest beneficiary? Cherry Coke. I have to say, thank God someone is finally paying attention to Cherry Coke! Crazy fact: Coca-Cola spent only $100,000 on the brand over six years and zero dollars on it last year. That is a serious effort to get people not to drink Cherry Coke, and I’m sorry Coca-Cola, but your plan did not work on me. I guzzle the stuff by the can.

Anyway, Jay-Z was involved in the logo redesign, which features magenta and a cityscape. An improvement on the misguided purple cans of yesteryear, but still kind of off. Are hot pink and giant cherries evidence of Jay-Z’s bringing “a sense of genuine hip-hop authenticity to the brand”? I rather prefer Belgium’s take; it’s reminiscent of those grunge-ified red-and-black American designs during the ’90s.

So, as long as he’s going to keep this up, what else can and should Jay-Z endorse, before 2020 rolls around and the former musician is the official CEO of Everything? Gary Susman weighs in: “I could see him doing, say, ChapStick: ‘I got 99 problems, but chapped lips ain’t one.'” Any cleaning product would work; all he’d have to do is tell viewers to “get that dirt off your shoulder.” Or, alternatively, “Can I Get A… Swiffer Sweeper Wet Mopping Cloth?” What else?