Apparently, the BBC’s planning a search for the “real” Harry Potter in the form of something called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, about a group of children learning magic at a boarding school. A reality show… about magic. Obviously, this called for a sure-to-be-nonsensical Friday afternoon IM chat with Slezak.
Annie: Um. Have you seen this?
Slezak: Crazy! I have never read Harry Potter.
Annie: Me neither!
Slezak: Do we want to admit that?
Annie: Okay no.
Slezak: I worry it’s a level of pop-cultural illiteracy that is unforgivable, And I hate myself for it.
Annie: But what if you just don’t like books about sorcery and/or children? That’s understandable.
Annie: I hate American Idol and you know it! You still talk to me. (Wirelessly.)
Slezak: But I don’t hate HP as much as I hate the idea of a reality show starring children. Shouldn’t they, like, be taking maths and history, and not worrying about “advancing in the competition”?
Annie: I know. Maybe they’ll have a scary wizard tutor for that other stuff. BTW the use of the word Apprentice in the title is making my brain hurt. And I don’t get how they’ll “judge” the “competition.” Isn’t magic, like… NOT REAL?
Slezak: WHO would let their kid be on this show?
Annie: Idiots? What if the kid disappeared during a “challenge”? Instead of getting voted off? Ha! See ya!
Slezak: Like when Elle Fanning disappeared in The Lost Room! (That kid is no Dakota, btw.) Well, THEN I’d totally watch it. That would be awesome.
Annie: That would rock. Especially if he or she was annoying. And you know they’re all gonna be annoying.
Slezak: I liked Willy Wonka for that very reason. They should call the show When Bad Things Happen to Annoying Children.
Annie: Weed ’em out!
Slezak: Then I’d watch.
Annie: Which Willy Wonka death-by-candy was your fave?
Slezak: They don’t die, Annie!
Slezak: If they did, then we’d be bad people for enjoying it so much.
Annie: I just assumed I was a bad person to begin with.
Slezak: I guess it’s like American Idol Juniors, only instead of creepy pageantbots, they’re pint-sized nerds. I’d have totally been on this show if I were 10 and living in England.
Annie: Awwww, I wish you were 10 and living in England so I could watch you on this show!
Slezak: Do you think there will be an inevitable American version of this show? Will Maggie Smith be the disapproving British judge? David Blaine could be the Paula.
Annie: I don’t know… somehow the “sorcery” element wouldn’t translate correctly over here. The kids would just end up Botoxing each other.
Slezak: Totally! On one side of the Atlantic it’s all Enya and the Blarney Stone and faeries. And on this side, what do we have? Lucky Charms and Kenny G.!
Annie: We’ve got a few faeries, too.
Slezak: And Penn and Teller.
Annie: Don’t forget BriteSmile, as endorsed by J-Simps.
Slezak: They should make the kids wear chain mail and try to slay a mechanical dragon!
Annie: Like in Super Mario?
Slezak: I never played Super Mario.
Annie: Who the hell are you?
Slezak: I’m asking myself the same thing.
Annie: Maybe you should watch Identity. Anyway, it’s Friday, and about that time… WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
Slezak: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?
Slezak: How did we get on this subject? Also: Do you think anyone is still reading this?
Annie: There’s not even the slightest chance.
Slezak: Magic is dead.
Annie: How was your lunch from ABP?
Annie: Because it wasn’t laced with magic?
Slezak: There was a grainy mustard that overpowered the turkey and brie.
Annie: Easy. Next time select “Herb Mayo.”
Slezak: Totally! They left out the “magic” ingredient.
Annie: The End.