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Drunk on the Golden Globes

Awards shows make him feel like he’s been swilling moonshine, but our editor-at-large braves Monday’s telecast and reports on the highs and lows. Plus: And speaking of swilling moonshine….

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Dalton Ross, Kenny Chesney
KENNY CHESNEY AND DALTON ROSS PHOTOGRAPH BY MIKE STRASINGER

Drunk on the Golden Globes

It should be noted that I have an allergic reaction to awards shows. Watching all those rich, beautiful people congratulating themselves has a way of messing with my body. It starts with convulsions — convulsions that can only be calmed by the consumption of several bottom-shelf alcoholic beverages. Then the allergy manifests itself in the form of uncontrollable laughter, especially when anyone assigns any sort of social or political imperative to his or her job as an actor. The next phase is usually a mild form of narcolepsy, in which I find myself completely unable to remain awake, even as the biggest categories of the night are attended to.

I decided to put this allergy to the test by taking in Monday night’s Golden Globes telecast. The Golden Globes are usually the most tolerable of the awards shows, if for no other reason than the fact that half of the celebs being honored are liquored up beyond belief. I didn’t catch any obvious drunks this time around (although Annette Bening did seem to be chugging champagne every time a camera found her), but there were plenty of other curious moments.

* Do we have the makings of a celebrity smackdown? When Prince was MIA to accept the award for his song from Happy Feet, presenter Justin Timberlake — after an incredibly awkward silence as everyone tried to figure out just where the hell Prince was — decided to mock the purple one’s height by pretending to be a dwarf of some sort. It was actually pretty funny — almost as funny as the fact that Prince missed accepting his award because he was allegedly ”stuck in traffic.”

* What the hell was up with the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press calling out Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson, and Meryl Streep for being so old? That had to be the most awkward and uncomfortable Golden Globes moment since Pia Zadora was honored by the organization as 1982’s New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture.

* Can Hugh Laurie please give every single acceptance speech? That guy constantly kills.

* Which was more shameless: Milo Ventimiglia of Heroes not-so-subtly announcing that the Golden Globes were airing in his show’s regular timeslot on the network (Hint, hint — tune in here next week!), or Tim Allen getting in a Galaxy Quest plug while announcing Best Actor in a TV Comedy nominee Tony Shalhoub? I’m going to go with Milo on this one, mostly just because his haircut annoys me so much. Also, if I were Tim Allen and had just starred in approximately 8,327 painful family films, I too would try my best to remind everyone I actually did a decent movie once.

* Apparently, Tom Hanks is the new Jack Nicholson. Sure, Jack got his closeups, but I counted no less than 18 different cutaway reaction shots of Hanks clapping over the course of the evening. Apparently, Tom Hanks is also obsessed by Warren Beatty’s balls. And when I say ”balls,” I mean… testicles.

* Is Meryl Streep saying what I think she’s saying when she claims to have ”worked with everybody in the room”?

* AHHHHHHH! It’s Michael Bolton! Look away! Look away!

* Unintentionally Amusing Commercial of the Night: NBC ran a promo for ”the acclaimed Studio 60.” Yeah, last time I checked, I believe EW just named that ”acclaimed” program as the worst show of all of 2006. Of course, I have made my feelings on this show clear too many times, so let’s just move on to the…

* Unintentionally Amusing Commercial of the Night, Part II: Let’s face it, it doesn’t get any less punk rock than the AARP. So why is their new theme song (as seen on a commercial during the Globes broadcast) by punk icons the Buzzcocks? This is a band most famous for a little ditty called ”Orgasm Addict.” Not that elderly people shouldn’t feel free to get their freak on, but this couldn’t help but strike me as a bit odd. What’s next, the Sex Pistols singing about adult incontinence for Depend?

* Bill Nighy going over and essentially apologizing to Robert Duvall for beating him out for Best Actor in a TV Movie or Miniseries was a classy — and correct — move. For those of you who didn’t take in Duvall’s work in Broken Trail, I implore you to do so immediately. Well, finish the damn column first. Then go check it out.

* I think my wife has a crush on Hugh Grant. She started off talking about how funny he was. Fine, whatever, I figured — chicks think he’s funny. That’s why he’s in all those stupid romantic comedies. I can handle that. But then she wouldn’t shut up about the guy. Finally after listening to a good 10 minutes of this nonsense, I realized that ”funny” was just a code word for ”hot.” This became painfully clear when she even went so far as to introduce a theory that ”he only started being funny after he got caught with the hooker because he was like ‘F— it, everyone knows. I might as well be funny.”’ (And yes, that is an exact quote.)

* Does anyone know what the hell Warren Beatty was talking about?

* I have to admit Arnold Schwarzenegger threw me for a bit of a loop with his sign-off of ”Don’t forget — next year, we’ll be back.” Personally, I had my money on odds-on favorite ”Hasta la vista, baby,” but it just goes to show you how crazy unpredictable the Austrian Oak can be.

* Finally, a note about coverage of the Globes. The New York Times put pictures of 10 actors and actresses on the front page of their Arts section Tuesday morning. Guess how many of them were from TV? One-half of one. (I say one-half because Helen Mirren won for both TV and movie roles, but I can pretty much guarantee you she wouldn’t have been pictured for a mere TV movie trophy. It was her work in The Queen that gave her front page billing.) Now, I know why this is so: We’re smack dab in the middle of movie awards season and everybody is looking for indicators for the Oscars, but c’mon, a little respect, please! Must I link you again to my article from last summer on how TV is far superior to the movies. Fine, you leave me no choice. Here it is. And seven of the 10 pictures in the Times were just stupid fashion-related ones showing actresses in their evening wear. Still, they were all from the silver, as opposed to the small, screen. What, are TV actresses so slovenly that they dare not be shown? Sorry, but Katherine Heigl in a potato sack is good enough for me. She’s just so…”funny.” (Two can play at this game.)

OBSESSION OF THE WEEK

If you hear an incessant beeping noise, it must be another season of 24. For the most part, I thought the first four hours of season 6 were solid, but I can’t help but be obsessed over one tiny detail… if you consider death tiny. I’m speaking, of course, about the killing off of Curtis. This would have been fine… had it made an ounce of sense. Curtis had always been the calm, cool and collected one, but all of a sudden they had him go emotionally haywire, demanding revenge on a former terrorist, and refusing to stand down until he was eventually gunned down by Bauer. It was just plain silly, and didn’t really shock so much as confuse. Curtis has been in a lot heavier situations and never had a problem with putting his personal emotions on hold to get the job done. This was merely a misguided attempt to start matching last season’s huge death toll, which included President Palmer, Edgar, Tony Almeda, his wife, Michelle, and whoever it was Sean Astin was playing. But, then again, 24 is always good for a few stretches of the imagination every year — after all, remember when Jack’s daughter Kim was stalked by a cougar?

THE FIVE

Sometime in the past few years, Carllewis.com underwent a redesign, and let me say, I am not happy about it. Gone are audio clips of the nine-time Olympic gold medalist singing. Even worse, all of his hilarious acting demo reel scenes have been condensed into one waaaaaay too short compilation. But the site is still genius in many ways. Five to be exact. So here are The Five Most Genius Things About Carllewis.com.

1) Carl’s Acting Reel
Gone are most of the full scenes showing Lewis in a variety of different types of imaginary roles, but at least we still get to see Carl as a pimp, belting out explosive dialogue like, ”Look, bitch, I want my money by six or I’m gonna smack you like I smacked my ho!” This now leads into clips from actual movies, including Carl as some sort of technical analyst (with James Spader, no less!) and an unsuspecting tornado victim.

2) Carl’s Personal Story
The nice part of this is not the actual story (unless you want to hear about how ”two days after my high school graduation, I set the high school national record in the long jump”), but that the entire thing is narrated by Carl. What dedication… to himself!

3) Model Photos
An incredible photo gallery of modeling shots, with ensembles that have to be seen to be believed. We also learn in this gallery that Carl apparently has a thing about not buttoning his shirt.

4) Six Different Languages!
Want to read Carllewis.com in Japanese? Go for it. Not only is the site available in six different languages, but in most of them, Carl offers a personal audio welcome in the selected language. He’s so damn international!

5) Carl’s Blog
So it hasn’t been updated since January 27, 2006. Big deal! We all know that Carl Lewis is timeless. Besides, where else would we be provided with such insights as ”I agree with analytical testing”?

READER MAIL

I’m a whore. I proved that last week by setting a pricing menu to take on various entertainment related activities. At least I’m not the only one. Several people wrote in setting various price tags as well. Even more shared thoughts about ridiculous DVD packaging and my take on Sammy Hagar’s place in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Not all of them kind.

In the vein of what will you do for money, here are a few of the things I am willing to pimp myself out for, as well as the associated costs. Watching all the Wiggles DVDs back to back: $800. The music is not bad, but I actually woke up this morning with ”fruit salad, yummy, yummy in my head”. Take that, Martika. Listening to any country music: $1200. I don’t care if your dog ran off with your wife and best truck, your twang hurts my ears. Watching Ally ”McSqueal” McBeal on DVD: $2000. If it weren’t for the fish and the biscuit who were at least amusing, I spent the whole time waiting for her waif-like body to slip through one of the holes in the shower drain. Although the more I think about it, these prices may be too low. —Kevin Kane

Kevin, I love the way you just took down the entire country music genre. Ouch! This yankee went down to Nashville once to try to figure out the whole country music thing, but anything I may have learned was quickly blacked out once I was force-fed moonshine by Kenny Chesney. (Scroll up for incriminating photographic evidence).

You really are a dumbass when it comes to Van Halen.

Thanks, Jonny

Well, no one can accuse Jonny of beating around the bush. Sorry, my man, but no matter what you may say or write will change my opinion that Sammy Hagar is a major league cheeseball. Just not gonna happen.

I’m glad that Van Halen, in whatever form, has made it to the Rock Hall. I’m most looking forward to the induction ceremony: for starters, which lead singer will show up? And, more importantly, which bass player? Will it be Michael Anthony (he of the Jack Daniels bass guitar and awesome high harmonies) or the newbie, Eddie’s son Wolfgang? As long as there’s no chaps involved, I look forward to it! —Winona

As far as I’m concerned, anyone named Wolfgang is made immediately eligible for the Hall of Fame. Seriously, does it get any more badass than Wolfgang?

Concerning packaging… Recently I discovered that I no longer live in a college dorm room (I am 36) and don’t need to have 200+ DVD cases sitting on a shelf. I took the DVDs out and put them in one of those 208 CD holder albums… Talk about truly liberating! I just throw the boxes away now. And there is absolutely no urge for me to buy the super-deluxe editions. I tell you this my friend… try it… it works! —Brad Geiger

Way ahead of you, Brad. I did this with all my CDs years ago, and have done the same with many DVDs as well. Unfortunately, I do this only with regularly packaged discs and still feel the lure of the truly insane box sets. But it’s nice to know that between us, we are making sure that those landfills are staying nice and… uh… filled with all our tossed-out packaging.

This may be an ”Ask the Critic” question, but I like you better and love seeing my name in print. Here goes: Seeing Justin Timberlake on film (commercials only; heaven forbid I see the actual film) and hearing Jared Leto’s band, I’m wondering which you think has a higher success rate — actors going musician or musicians who want to be actors? —Miranda

Not even close, Miranda. Definitely musicians-turned-actors. Sure, going the other way you have J. Lo, Hilary Duff, Rick Springfield and some others, but there is also Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas… hell did anyone on Miami Vice not put out an album? As for musicians-turned-actors, the list is frighteningly long, especially among African-Americans: Ice-T, Ice Cube, Queen Latifah, Béyoncé, Will Smith, Ludacris, and Jennifer Hudson are just a few of the more recent ones. That’s not to say there haven’t also been some painful examples (might I draw your attention to Vanilla Ice in Cool as Ice, or pretty much Madonna’s entire theatrical career), but the success rate is far greater. And then there is Carl Lewis: Olympian-turned-singer-turned-actor. The best of all worlds!

Scantily clad WOMEN? Dalton Ross is straight!? I’m crushed, shocked and disappointed. Is this a typo? —Anonymous

You know, this isn’t the first letter like this I have received that questions my sexual orientation. Maybe it’s because I went to Sarah Lawrence College. Maybe it’s because my hair has been every color of the rainbow (and even the word rainbow can be a bit misleading these days). Or maybe it’s because I obsess over things like Carl Lewis’s website and all the shirtless pictures of him on it. Whatever the reason, this issue has been raised before. Yes, straight. However, the only truly depressing thing about the above e-mail is that I get the sneaky suspicion it was written by a woman hoping I wanted no part of the female population.

What did you love or loathe about the Golden Globes? Have any departing words for 24‘s Curtis? And what do you think of Carl Lewis as a street pimp? Send your questions, comments, and quibbles to theglutton@ew.com, or just fill out the handy dandy form below. See ya next week!

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