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Emmys 2017
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VH1: Bringin' tragic back (yeah)

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Hang on to your souls, PopWatchers… because VH1 is trying to crush them! No, seriously. The erstwhile video channel has greenlit a reality show in which four boy-band also-rans — N*Sync’s Chris Kirkpatrick, 98 Degrees’ Jeff Timmons, LFO’s Rich Cronin and Color Me Badd’s Bryan Abrams — will live together and try to form, for lack of a better term, a chart-topping man-band. (We’re sure it’s just a coincidence that the channel has also just greenlit a scripted series called I Hate My 30’s, which Variety describes as a show “dealing with the trauma ofturning 30 for people who’ve accomplished very little with their lives.”)

That said, I totally just composed the quartet’s comeback hit. Sing it to the tune of Justin Timberlake’s “SexyBack” (click here if you want musical accompaniment) and watch the kidz go krazee!

We’re bringin’ tragic back
We’re so washed up that we will work for snacks
We all like Popeye’s but Chris likes Big Macs
You best look elsewhere if you like six-packs
(Don’t look at our abs!)

Yes he’s our homeboy, so is Nick Lachey
We knew Lance Bass before he said “I’m gay”
Spell badd with two Ds, that is just our way
(Take it to the chorus!)

“Summer Girls”
That was a hit
Now you know
Survey says we should get a clue
What would you do?
Career’s all done?
Head to VH1
And get your tragic on