Scott Brown’s Hit List
1 Transformers enjoy resurgence Except for Soundwave — remember him? The cassette player? Yeah, he’s screwed.
2 Next 24 story line begins in China Jack must make 200 iPods and 175 pairs of skinny black pants in one day, or be replaced by a more dexterous 7-year-old.
3 Julia Roberts pregnant again It’s a busy year, so she may put this one out on the stoop for Madonna.
4 Rosie to weigh next offensive comment carefully But if Kelly Ripa hosts a gay Chinese beauty pageant — watch out!
5 79th Academy Awards to pulse with class, artistic integrity Just kidding! Clint Eastwood will mud-wrestle Clint Eastwood for a sound-editing statuette.
6 Vincent Gallo defiantly continues selling his sperm Against all laws of economics, minimal consumer interest only seems to generate more supply.
7 Canadian Smooth Jazz Awards go smoothly Unlike the American Smooth Jazz Awards, with their Tesh/Yanni beefs and rampant Ambien freebasing.
8 Three more frickin’ Shreks on the way Please make it stop before ”And Danny DeVito as…Drunkelstiltskin!” is uttered.
9 Shatner to host 17th Annual Hollywood Charity Horse Show In true Kirk style, he will make out with certain horses, while punching other horses in the face.
10 Spider-Man 3 opens Al Sharpton applauds the debut of the first black Spider-Man.