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TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

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My Name is Earle: Justin Lubin

”No, I don’t have a gambling problem. I’m winning, and winning is not a problem. That’s like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem.”
EARL (JASON LEE), ON MY NAME IS EARL

”Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that [they] had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy’s lake.”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), AFTER FINDING OUT THERE IS A BLACK EX-CON STAFFER IN HIS BRANCH, ON THE OFFICE

”After tribal, I just felt this nausea, and really, all I wanted to do was take Jonathan’s face and just throw up all over it.”
PARVATI, AFTER BEING BETRAYED BY HER FORMER ALLIANCEMATE AT TRIBAL COUNCIL, ON SURVIVOR: COOK ISLANDS

”Last week, ABC’s All My Children introduced a transgender character who is transitioning from a man into a woman. They started by making him watch episodes of All My Children.”
JOEL McHALE, ON THE SOUP

”This year, the NFL is trying several different ways to attract more Mexican fans. For instance, now when the kicker goes for the extra point, the football will explode and candy will shoot out.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”On Wednesday, the 88-foot-tall Rockefeller Christmas tree was lit — after partying all night with Danny DeVito.”
AMY POEHLER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

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