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Oscars 2017
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TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

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Medium, Patricia Arquette
Medium: Michael Yarish

”You ever call my house again during breakfast, I will personally come to your carpet-cleaning company, I will find you, and I will hurt you. And when I’m finished with you, nothing and no one will ever be able to get your stain out!”
ALLISON (PATRICIA ARQUETTE), DISMISSING A PERSISTENT TELEMARKETER, ON MEDIUM

”It’s like watching a drunken man cross an icy street.”
MATT (MATTHEW PERRY), WATCHING HARRIET (SARAH PAULSON) TRY TO TELL A JOKE, ON STUDIO 60

”So how have you been, Preston? Last time I saw you, you stole my patient’s heart. Then you got shot. Karma rocks.”
RIVAL HEART SURGEON DR. HAHN (BROOKE SMITH), TO DR. BURKE (ISAIAH WASHINGTON), ON GREY’S ANATOMY

”Well, at least your brother coming out of the closet at the Thanksgiving table isn’t the most uncomfortable moment of the week anymore.”
JOEL McHALE, ABOUT MICHAEL RICHARDS’ APPEARANCE ON LETTERMAN TO APOLOGIZE FOR HIS RACIAL TIRADE, ON THE SOUP

”Poor people are so…cheap!”
WILHELMINA (VANESSA L. WILLIAMS) DISCOVERING THAT A CHURCH COLLECTION BOX IN A RUN-DOWN NEIGHBORHOOD IS FILLED WITH SMALL CHANGE, ON UGLY BETTY

”Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don’t work on!”
HOMER, TO MARGE, ON THE SIMPSONS

”I hurt my shoulder playing fantasy football.”
DR. HOUSE (HUGH LAURIE), EXPLAINING A RECENT INJURY, ON HOUSE

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