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Countdown: The 10 worst Bond girls

Joshua Rich kisses off Holly Goodhead, Mary Goodnight, and 007’s other misfiring flames

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Octopussy, Maud Adams
Image credit: Octopussy: Maud Adams

OCTOPUSSY (Maud Adams)
Octopussy (1983)

10. Octopussy (Maud Adams)

Octopussy (1983)

10 worst Bond girls: Octopussy

Swedish model-actress Adams was gorgeous, the only woman to play a leading love interest in two different movies (she got offed halfway through The Man With the Golden Gun), and the only one to have a whole film named after her character. And yet, for all that, do you remember a single thing about her biggest role? Neither do we.

For Your Eyes Only, Lynn-Holly Johnson
Image credit: For Your Eyes Only: United Artists/Everett Collection

BIBI DAHL (Lynn-Holly Johnson)
For Your Eyes Only (1981)

9. Bibi Dahl (Lynn-Holly Johnson)

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

10 worst Bond girls: Bibi Dahl

To appeal to younger filmgoers — or maybe just fans of Ice Castles — the producers cast the then-22-year-old figure skater to jump a few triple axels around the then-53-year-old Roger Moore. She was harmless at best, but it took more than one vodka martini for us to wash the icky daddy-daughter innuendo (especially her goofy ski-lodge flirtation) out of our minds.

Moonraker, Lois Chiles
Image credit: Moonraker: Everett Collection

Moonraker (1979)

8. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles)

Moonraker (1979)

10 worst Bond girls: Holly Goodhead

Bond babe? Try bland babe. Chiles worked the CIA counter-espionage thing just fine, and none of 007’s ladies looked better in zero gravity (of course, nobody else actually made it to outer space, thank God). But the ex-model was the worst victim of one of the biggest Bond Girl traps: a thorough lack of chemistry with her leading man.

License to Kill, Carey Lowell
Image credit: License to Kill: Everett Collection

PAM BOUVIER (Carey Lowell)
License to Kill (1989)

7. Pam Bouvier (Carey Lowell)

License to Kill (1989)

10 worst Bond girls: Pam Bouvier

We see what the Bond brain trust was trying to do by naming their main dame after Jackie O (and even winking to that fact during one extended sequence). But Lowell fumbled this attempt at giving 007 a modern, independent counterpart by turning her into a nagging pest. Who cared if she and our hero ever got it on? She just needed to shut up.

The Man With the Golden Gun, Britt Ekland
Image credit: The Man With the Golden Gun: Danjaq/EON/UA/Kobal Collection

The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

6. Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland)

The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

10 worst Bond girls: Mary Goodnight

Come on, what self-respecting Bond girl would tremble at the sight of…Herve Villechaize? Another Swede who was all sex and no spunk, Ekland may have had one of the series’ best bikinis, but her dopey, doltish portrayal was a turnoff as much to filmgoers as to fans of Ian Fleming’s novels, in which Goodnight is one of 007’s closest allies.

You Only Live Twice, Karin Dor
Image credit: You Only Live Twice: Everett Collection

You Only Live Twice (1967)

5. Helga Brandt (Karin Dor)

You Only Live Twice (1967)

10 worst Bond girls: Helga Brandt

The un-exotic German star’s SPECTRE spy and short-time lover (those piranhas gobbled her up even faster than 007 did) looked out of place in a movie where Sean Connery was getting sensuous sponge baths on Japanese mountainsides. Watching Bond cut off her dress was like watching him finally get it on with Rosa Klebb. Eeeew.

The Living Daylights, Maryam d'Abo
Image credit: The Living Daylights: Everett Collection

KARA MILOVY (Maryam d’Abo)
The Living Daylights (1987)

4. Kara Milovy (Maryam d’Abo)

The Living Daylights (1987)

10 worst Bond girls: Kara Milovy

Timothy Dalton’s first Bond Girl got off to a promising start, appearing through a window as a rifle-wielding KGB assassin. And yet, inexplicably, she fast devolved into a charmless wimplet, dragged around the snows of Europe and the deserts of Afghanistan with a blank stare — and a cello that always seemed to be in the way. A freakin’ cello!

Moonraker, Corinne Clery
Image credit: Moonraker: Everett Collection.

CORINNE DUFOUR (Corinne Clery)
Moonraker (1979)

3. Corinne Dufour (Corinne Clery)

Moonraker (1979)

10 worst Bond girls: Corinne Dufour

An attempt to sex up the series with the star of the French soft-core spectacular The Story of O backfired when Clery wound up the weakest of the second-tier Bond girls, those who pop up for three scenes and then haplessly die. Mlle. Dufour could fly a helicopter, but she got outwitted by Bond in two seconds and outrun by some deadly dogs in one. C’est un scandale!

A View to a Kill, Tanya Roberts
Image credit: View to a Kill: Everett Collection

STACEY SUTTON (Tanya Roberts)
A View to a Kill (1985)

2. Stacey Sutton (Tanya Roberts)

A View to a Kill (1985)

10 worst Bond girls: Stacey Sutton

Roberts was beautiful, sure, but she was also totally miscast as a geologist with a vendetta. (No wonder she got upstaged by Grace Jones’ glowering henchwoman.) The squeaky-voiced former Charlie’s Angel gave off so little steam that we half forgot that Bond Girls were supposed to be smart and sexy.

The World Is Not Enough, Denise Richards
Image credit: The World is Not Enough: Everett Collection

DR. CHRISTMAS JONES (Denise Richards)
The World Is Not Enough (1999)

1. Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards)

The World Is Not Enough (1999)

10 worst Bond girls: Dr. Christmas Jones

Let’s review: Denise Richards played Dr. Christmas Jones, a nuclear physicist who wore a tank top and hot pants. Bloody hell, even Q didn’t have a gadget to help Bond escape from that disaster.