Whitney Pastorek
October 25, 2006 AT 10:54 PM EDT

Congratulations, Kurt Cobain (pictured)! Thanks to your widow’s decision to sell your songs to a commercial publishing agency for $50 million, you’ve ascended to the number-one spot on Forbes‘ Top-Earning Dead Celebrities list! That’s right, you crazy grungeball — it’s only been 12 years since your tragic suicide, but you’re already making more than Elvis, John Lennon, and Marilyn Monroe!

(applause)

Speech! Speech!

(A ghostly blue light fills the room, followed immediately by the smell of sweaty wool and mothballs, with a lingering hint of burrito. The opening notes of “In the Pines” can be heard emanating quietly from a guitar that may or may not be played by Leadbelly. Who, it should be noted, is not on the list.)

COBAIN: Uhm, thanks. I guess this is supposed to be an honor, but mostly I just feel like I sold out again. I mean, CSI: Miami? Really, Courtney? That’s what you’re going with?

(sigh)

Nevermind.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my stomach hurts.

addCredit(“Kurt Cobain: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images”)

(The light fades, and with it we hear the clattering of a drum kit being destroyed.)

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