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TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

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Vanessa Williams, Ugly Betty

”Alzheimer’s went better with the outfit.”
WILHELMINA (VANESSA WILLIAMS), EXPLAINING HER DECISION TO WEAR A PURPLE RIBBON TO A BREAST-CANCER BENEFIT, ON UGLY BETTY

”The latest astrotourist: American Anousheh Ansari, who spent 11 days in orbit. Price: $20 million. Expensive? You bet. But it was the only way she could achieve her lifelong dream of flying over every single starving person on Earth and yelling, ‘Hey! Look at what I’m spending my money on!’ ”
LEWIS BLACK, ON THE DAILY SHOW

”I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.”
JACK, (ALEC BALDWIN) TO LIZ (TINA FEY), ON 30 ROCK

”It feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears, and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone.”
MICHAEL (STEVE CARELL), REFLECTING ON THE DEATH OF HIS FORMER BOSS, ON THE OFFICE

”I forget: which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?”
JORDAN (AMANDA PEET), WHEN A WRITER INFORMS HER THAT HBO IS THE ONLY PLACE FOR ”LITERATE” TELEVISION ON STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP

”It’s kind of like the Princeton Review, but meaner.”
RORY (ALEXIS BLEDEL), DESCRIBING A NEW SAT TUTORING BUSINESS RUN BY PARIS (LIZA WEIL), ON GILMORE GIRLS

”Canada is an apartment over a really loud party. You’re the nice people who rent the apartment over the meth house.”
ROBIN WILLIAMS ON CANADIAN-AMERICAN RELATIONS, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

”Earlier this week, a man named his newborn son ESPN because one of the man’s favorite things to watch is ESPN. The baby is happy, healthy and already home with his brother Porn.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

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