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''Nip/Tuck'': People in need of psychiatric care

On ”Nip/Tuck,” Brooke Shields’ shrink character tries to continue her sexual relationship with patient Christian; plus, Sean approaches the edge

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Brooke Shields

”Nip/Tuck”: People in need of psychiatric care

Nip/Tuck doesn’t play by the rules. How else to describe a show that begins with a gay dream sequence complete with bronzed pool boys and life-or-death waxing? And you know what? I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’d rather see this return to off-the-wall craziness than the dark misogyny of the third season.

So, Christian is still having issues with his sexuality. Is he or isn’t he gay? In my opinion, his eyebrows are a tell-tale sign, but then again, I think everyone is secretly gay. Luckily, Christian has a therapist to whom he can divulge all his secrets, but it turns out that she’s a big old loony tune. I had my doubts at first about Brooke Shields in this role, but she is really delivering a solid performance. Or at least a performance that makes me forget about Suddenly Susan, and I thought those scars would never heal. But how insane is it that she’s now developing a fixation on Christian? It’s a season filled with femme fatales. We’ve got Sanaa Lathan, Jackie Bissett, and now Brooke. And since it’s also the Season of Butts, Brooke gave us a little peek at her crack. Now that’s classy. But that final shot of her getting ”Property of Christian” tattooed on her back was both hilarious and disturbing, like most lower-back tattoos.

Let’s not forget about the men on the show, especially sad Sean. I can’t say I’m not surprised that the First Lady of Crazytown, Monica Wilder, returned to cause trouble for Sean. Has the man not seen Unfaithful or Fatal Attraction? Affairs do not end well, people! Anyway, Monica completely creeps me out. She looks too nice. It’s frightening. The scene where Sean walked into the house and found Monica breast-feeding Conor was straight out of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. If TV characters only had Netflix memberships, all of these stupid pitfalls could be avoided. Don’t have affairs! Don’t hire the woman you had an affair with as your nanny! The McNamaras are just lucky they don’t have a greenhouse out back that Monica could rig to malfunction. But Sean’s got more to worry about now that he’s hearing voices. It’s all very Kimberly on Melrose Place. In fact, this whole story line felt like recycled plot points from other films or TV shows. Even Monica’s shocking demise via bus was a total rip-off of Mean Girls. But thank God they got rid of that girl. She was just too much too handle.

Speaking of too much to handle, Burt (Larry Hagman) came to the office with an unstoppable erection. Awkward. That’s all that can really be said. The scene in which he confronted Christian and Michelle about their affair was painful. Even more painful was the actual sex scene with Burt watching. So sleazy and gross. It’s ironic that Michelle tried so hard to escape her life as a kind of prostitute, but now Burt has basically turned her into his own whore.

Did anyone else think the whole Peter Dinklage-diarrhea story line was bizarre? The only explanation I can think of is that Dinklage had a movie to shoot and they were like, ”Uh, we’ll just give you a a case of the ‘rrhea and write you out of this episode.”

What do you think? What does Brooke Shields have in store for Christian? Is he gay? And is Michelle going to murder Burt?