”Survivor”: Baby boobies and big turkeys
Awwwwwwwwww, isn’t that cute? Look, it’s a baby bird. Looks like he was just born a few hours ago. Isn’t he the most adorable little thing you’ve ever seen in your entire life? Oh, I think I’m about to cry. I’m sorry, baby bird. I’m sorry we scared the bejeezus out of you and made you drop 30 feet from your nest. Sure, had we come by yesterday, we would have tried to eat you before you even had a chance to hatch, but that was yesterday. Now we’re weepy and remorseful because there are cameras on us and if we eat you now, we’ll look like monsters. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Okay, okay, I’m not suggesting the Aitutaki tribe should have devoured a newborn bird. Nor am I trying to engage in some sort of pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. But it did strike me as a bit humorous that they specifically went there to eat the mother bird’s baby and then started apologizing ad nauseam for the fact that they basically hadn’t gotten there earlier to eat it in egg form. All I know is that the whole scene did give us this season’s best quote to date: ”I wonder how the boobies taste?” (Considering that Ozzy has starred in an episode of Playboy TV’s Foursome, I imagine he would already have a good idea.)
By the way, before we move off the subject of boobies, I would just like to take this opportunity to announce that in the previous paragraph I have embedded a clue as part of the popular multimedia juggernaut Gold Rush. Well, not Mark Burnett’s Gold Rush exactly, but rather my own competing version. Decipher the clue and you will be led to the secret location of a specially hidden case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. (For those of you coming late to the Cook Islands recaps, the regular Survivor TV Watch sponsor, Milwaukee’s Best, has pulled out because of the controversial nature of the column this season. We hope and trust the Beast will be back in the fold for Survivor 14.)
Elsewhere, it was nice to see Rarotonga lose two challenges in a row — nice just because it made me look good for predicting that they would be the weaker (not to mention less interesting) tribe. Until they lost the challenge, the only real drama there seemed to be figuring out which guy Parvati was going to hit on each day. By the way, is it just me or does Probst keep calling her ”Poverty”? Is that his way of calling her a cheap tramp? Probably not, but it’s still kinda funny. Not unlike his bright yellow shirt.
Much like last season, Cook Islands has lost a lot of energy after downsizing from four tribes to two. Really wish they hadn’t jumped the gun (again!) on the tribal realignment. Of course we finally did have some intrigue over at Rarotonga after they got hosed in the immunity challenge. (I would talk more about the challenge itself, but my power kept going off during it, so my recap would just be a listing of the profanities spewing out of my mouth as the TV kept cutting out. I believe it went a little something like this: ”Crap! @#$%! @#$%ing @#$%! Damn! Tico Torres! Crappity crap crap!”) Stephannie went ahead and had one of those beautifully moronic moments, calling herself out as the weakest link in front of the whole tribe. Did she suck in the challenge? From what I could see, yes. But so did plenty of other people. Plus, so what if you sucked? Instead, just suck it up. If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a million times, so please recite again with me: Survivor is an individual, not a team game.
You know I always rail against people for keeping around contestants who want to quit, but Stephannie wasn’t quitting. She was just idiotically making herself a target. The women did the right thing by maintaining their numerical advantage and kicking King J.P. off his throne. What I can’t for the life of me figure out is how they got Brad and Adam to join them in the vote. I can only guess that the two guys saw which way the wind was blowing and decided it was better to be in the majority. That’s a smart move. You know what else would be smart? To not lie around camp all day doing nothing while the ladies do all the work. J.P. got waaaaaaaaaaay too cocky and comfortable, and when you do that, you don’t last long. Speaking of being cocky and shortsighted, don’t you love the fact that the last two people to get booted have been from the tribe that threw the immunity challenge? Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon, anyone?
Your turn! What do you think? Did J.P. deserve to go? Should Aitutaki have even gone after that bird to begin with? And what’s with Probst’s bright yellow shirt?