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'Heroes': Don't try this at home!

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Ohmigod, no! Don’t do it! I know you’ve spent the last 10 days thinking of doing it, but seriously, don’t. Sure, you watched the premiere of NBC’s Heroes, and you experienced the thrill/revulsion of seeing Hayden Panettiere’s Claire mutilate her hand in the kitchen garbage disposal, only to pull it out and watch it grow back. And now, naturally, you want to see if you have the same power of regeneration. But you shouldn’t. Claire is a superhero. You are not.

What’s more, the Emerson In-Sink-Erator (nifty name, huh?) may or may not be capable of mangling your hand, anyway. I’m not exactly sure, based on a news report of Emerson’s federal lawsuit (thanks to TV Tattle for the link) that hopes to prevent NBC from rebroadcasting the Heroes pilot episode because it suggests their product ”will cause debilitating and severe injuries, including the loss of fingers, in the event consumers were to accidentally insert their hand into one.”

What does Emerson mean by that? Are they telling me that if I accidentally insert my hand into the In-Sink-Erator, I won’tpull out a bloody, malformed stump? Is the In-Sink-Erator equipped witha special human-flesh sensor that switches off to protect the morbidlycurious? Or is the company merely unhappy with the graphic, gory natureof the scene, with the way Claire’s unsightly paw dripped blood ontothe linoleum, ”cast[ing] the disposer in an unsavory light”? Oneother thing to keep in mind: Claire’s run-in with the In-Sink-Eratorwas no accident (a word that pops out of the Emerson suit); shedeliberately forced her mitt down that kitchen drain, and that’s quitea different scenario.

Anyhow, I know all this talk has probably inadvertently left youcontemplating your own fist, zeroing in on the bluish veins thatcriss-cross it, wondering whether or not it’ll fit down your kitchendrain. But once again, I have to implore you: DON’T DO IT! Thank youfor your consideration. Now back to your regularly scheduled workday.