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TV's funniest quotes: Pick this week's best

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Eva Longoria, Desperate Housewives

”I did not lose our baby. Stop saying that! I know exactly where it is: inside some crazy Chinese woman who also stole half a chicken from my fridge.”
GABRIELLE (EVA LONGORIA), TO CARLOS (RICARDO ANTONIO CHAVIRA), ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

”You know, they say mosquitoes in Africa kill people. Can you imagine the size those things gotta be?”
JOY (JAIME PRESSLY), ON MY NAME IS EARL

”Tomorrow is officially the first day of fall, or as we call it here in L.A., the first day of same.”
JIMMY KIMMEL, ON JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE

”Earlier today, at the main branch of the New York Public Library, President Bush and the First Lady gave a speech on literacy. Apparently, she was for it and he was against it.”
CONAN O’BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT

”He touched me with his creepy serial-killer hands.”
TEMPERANCE BRENNAN (EMILY DESCHANEL), EXPLAINING WHY SHE BROKE A PRISONER’S WRIST, ON BONES

”In the West Bank, a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism firebombed four churches, telling the Associated Press, ‘The attacks…were carried out to protest the Pope’s remarks linking Islam and violence.’ The irony — and this is often the case, we find — was completely lost on them.”
JON STEWART, ON THE DAILY SHOW

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