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Rating Rachael Ray's first day

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94648__rachel_l

94648__rachel_lHOLY CRAP, GUYS! RACHAEL RAY’S NEW DAYTIME TALK SHOW IS PREMIERING RIGHT NOW! SHE’S ENTERING THE SET VIA ELEVATOR! SHE’S WEARING A CUTE GRAY “BATHROBE DRESS” AND SHE’S SO EXCITED TO BE HERE SO PLEASE SIT DOWN NOW, OKAY? OMG, DID YOU KNOW RACHAEL CAN MAKE A SNACK IN 60 SECONDS? NO, WAIT! SCRATCH THAT! 42 SECONDS! 42 SECONDS TO PUT TOGETHER SALAMI AND HERBED CHEESE AND BASIL AND SUNDRIED TOMATOES AND PRETZEL STICKS AND OMG NOW RACHAEL’S JUMPING OUT OF A PLANE AT 14,000 FEET WITH ONE OF HER VIEWERS! AND SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR BIG SISTER AND MINE, TOO! AND DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN USE THE SPIN CYCLE OF YOUR WASHING MACHINE TO CLEAN LETTUCE? AND HERE’S DIANE SAWYER AND SHE’S RACHAEL’S GOOD FRIEND AND SHE HAS A LIPSTICK TUBE THAT LIGHTS UP AND NOW THEY’RE PASSING OUT APPLES TOGETHER, AND RACHAEL SAYS THEY’RE DRINKING WATER BUT WHY IS IT YELLOW? AND NOW FOR A SEVEN-MINUTE MEAL! SEVEN-MINUTE MEAL! SEVEN! SEVEN! SEVEN! IT’S ALL SO EXCITING AND LOUD AND HIGH-ENERGY THAT I LITERALLY CANNOT TAKE IT BECAUSE MY HEAD IS GOING TO GO POOF AND DISAPPEAR AND RACHAEL, I DEFINITELY ENJOY YOU ON FOOD NETWORK AND YOU’RE KIND OF DISARMINGLY FUN AND DORKY BUT YOU NEED TO TAKE A TRANQULIZIER BEFORE YOUR NEXT SHOW ‘CAUSE IT’S WAY WAY WAY TOO MUCH BEFORE LUNCHTIME.