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Emmys 2017
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''Big Brother'': The sick powers of Mike Boogie

On ”Big Brother,” Mike, Chill Town’s beta male, suddenly steps up, seducing Erika, winning the coup d’etat, and helping to boot Marcellas

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”Big Brother”: The sick powers of Mike Boogie

Marcellas, you self-proclaimed bitter queen, you disappoint me. Of all the so-called all-stars who came into this house, you should have been the one who was most prepared to play this ridiculous game. You’re the co-host of CBS.com’s House Calls, a veritable BB think tank! You’ve studied every player since you were first booted from the house! And yet, you got snookered. Colossally. By the best player in BB history. You saw Will coming. You knew he was the man to beat. And yet you sat there looking dour and just…whined. No, first you ogled Kaysar and bathed with Janelle. Then you moped, whined, and said ridiculous things like ”scumbagging each other” before going down with an embarrassing 6-0 vote. What happened, man? [Read Jessica Shaw’s interview with Marcellas.]

It’s a question I’m going to have to save for later, just like the one I’d also like to ask Erika if I’m ever so lucky to run into her on the street (because it sure as hell ain’t gonna happen in some L.A. Pilates studio). Seriously, hon — how desperate is one’s love life when your only ”choices” are ex-BBers who have as much charisma and good looks as the skinny jokester in high school who hawked loogies and spit them out of a moving bus?

Boogie? You jumped from a booger picker to Josh Souza to freakin’ Boogie?

I do hope Erika’s as clueless with the computer as she is about men so she’ll never read the transcript of an in-house conversation that was posted on the Internet earlier this week. Seems during one of this week’s late-night feeds, Boogie was bragging to the others that he’s got Erika wrapped around his finger because they had a relationship outside the house. How he described that relationship is too disgusting to repeat here, but not half as disgusting as the possibility that Erika may actually find this man attractive. They dated for weeks before going into the house and forming a splinter alliance within the Legion of Doom. As my colleague Doc Jensen so aptly stated this week about this unfortunate budding showmance, ”They can’t find anyone in the real world who can truly love them and understand them, or at least make out with them — except other similarly damaged reality-show contestants. It’s lonely being at the top of bottom-feeder Hollywood.” And so terribly pitiful, too.

Speaking of pitiful, the sight of Janie being hoodwinked by the Legion and Howie wasn’t the most pleasant thing this week on the BB feeds. The dudes worked ol’ blondie over for hours, and yet no amount of ”Don’t listen, Janelle!” messages on the boards could persuade her to stay on course and boot Erika, a.k.a. Yoko Ono to Will’s McCartney and Boogie’s Lennon. I’m tickled pink that America still gave the other gals the big f— you by naming Janie the prom queen — but the honor is, as usual, short-lived. The prom queen always ends up going home alone — especially if she’s wearing a hoop skirt like the one some gal wore at my prom. Man, that chick went from drag to stag in like, 10 seconds. (It was sky blue, too. Very Scarlett O’Hara on Imodium AD).

Anyhoo, Chicken George — this season’s Cowboy — not only is the new head of household but is that much closer to coasting to the finish line. At least his nominees show promise. Since he seems so close to Danielle, my first instinct was that George would go after Janelle and Howie. And yet he actually did us a solid and went after the second biggest coaster in the game (Erika) and the house’s biggest weenie (James). My fear is that someone will exercise his veto and persuade George to backdoor Janie — that is, if Boogie doesn’t decide to exercise the coup d’état and completely shake up the nominees. He still has two more weeks to do it. I wonder if he’ll go after Erika. I wonder if she’ll remain too googly-eyed to care. I wonder if I’ll heave should Boogie suck Erika’s fingers again.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves when there are so many other wonderful things to look forward to. The insightful Josh Wolk — an EW senior writer and soon-to-be-published author who has an almost insatiable need to make us laugh — will fill in next week while I’m on holiday. Perhaps he can help us find answers to some of this week’s more pressing questions: Were Danielle’s tears genuine? Were you as quick as Boogie to come up with the phrase ”You reap what you sow”? Are you glad to see Marcellas go but kinda wish that Marjealous had stayed?